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Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can’t open windows in Space.
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings… is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it’s sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he’d be a successful doctor:
“If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can’t, we pay you $1,000.”
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial <easy money> button immediately. The guy didn’t even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “Blawrgh! This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days – he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: “Sir, I have lost my memory.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doc: “What, no! That’s gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days — he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: “Sir, I’ve gone blind.”
Engineer: disappointed “Well, unfortunately I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000.”
Doc: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he’s got a steering wheel down his pants.
‘Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts’
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
A man walks into a bar, and says “ow”.
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
When’s the best time to visit a dentist?
Any time before tooth-hurty (2:30) p.m.
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What’s the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don’t.
Apparently I’m too stupid to get even a stupid joke.
Say “zombies” aloud and it kind of sounds like “some bees.”
Yeah, I figured it out an embarrassing amount of time later.
Never mind. Ignore me. I’m an idiot.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
Knock knock Who’s there? Cows Cows who? No, OWLS hoo. Cows moo!
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, “It sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
This is my casual go to, love freaking out as the second muffin.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
(Say it aloud.)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no i-dear.
That really made me laugh, then I told it to my husband and had even more fun, I was crying/laughing. Thank you. XD
You’re welcome!
And based on your user photo, it looks like you have a really good cat. I thought it was important to say that.
Looks like you do too! We love our Murphy. He’s a super senior at around 20–21 years old.
Most of my dumb jokes don’t work in English, but here’s some that do:
- A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? “Make me one with everything.”
- You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!
After handing the hot dog vendor money, the Buddhist asks for change.
The hot dog vendor replies, “Ah, but change comes from within.”
The Buddhist then pulls a gun out from beneath his robes and points it at the hot dog vendor. The vendor exclaims, ‘I thought all Buddhists were peaceful!’ The monk then says, ‘Every monk carries with him his inner piece.’
That’s a good one!
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd’s in his name?
A: Because without them he’d be called Ewar Woowar.
