When a coworker announces that he goes on vacation now (from this to that date, just so everybody knows), I ask:

“Who has approved that?”

in a grave serious tone.

Even if it is some kind of boss of any level.

Works best in large meetings :)

Oh my god I picked up “GG” at some point (I don’t even play MMOs) and I literally say it all the time now. I’ve had to explain it to multiple people too because it’s not like a very normal people term.

Another one is during the Sweet Brown era I was going on a college trip and I used to say “ain’t nobody got time for that” so often that I got my English professor saying it and she was pissed. LOL. Now, due to fiscal constraints, I only say “ain’t nobody got dime for that” :(

“I’m super not worried about it”

Everything is temporary

“are we serious” whenever something negative happens

“Es war mir ein inneres Blumenpflücken”

after having a nice time with someone. it translates to

“It was an internal flower picking for me”

meaning this was like picking flowers with you for my mental state

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3"03’ tall and 63.9 pounds. this means they’re large enough to be able to handle human d–ks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white.

If it’s not broken, keep fixing it 'til it is.

pig fucker. straight from south park. they’ve corrupted my fucking innocent, pure mind

The only thing that comes to mind is: any time someone drops something, I tell them, “oh, you can just put that anywhere.”

I don’t know where I got it from, but it annoys my kids.

My favorite is when someone says some innocuous word or term, and I very angrily ask “what the hell did you call me?!” Works best when it doesn’t really make any sense.

I used to have several at work…

Everything i look at is broken (my corporate experience)
And
Nick knows everything (Nick was an introvert, but very knowledgeable)
And
We make so much money (stolen from Jim the old guy)
And
We used to make so much money (retort to Jim)

Not mine, but I knew a guy in high school who did this and I think it’s ripe for someone to steal. He would frequently add “like the dickens!” to things, the less appropriate, the better. .

I’ll often repeat things my wife says in the “I’ll x your y” format as if it were a cheesy pickup line. Like, she’ll ask if I can grab the remote, and I’ll say “I’ll grab your remote.” She hates it.

I teach English in Japan, and I keep it as casual as possible with my students. I always end up saying “See ya!” (I try to use proper English and say “See you.” but it doesn’t always come out that way) at the end of each lesson and that always ends up being the first English my students speak with fluency as a result.