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Because even though they feel the need to seek physical intimacy from someone else, they still want the stability and safety a relationship brings.
Is the answer. Cheating is a mechanism to both have their cake, and eat it.
Very nice analogy.
I’ve always hated this analogy. Why can’t I buy a cake and eat it?
You can either possess a cake or consume it. Consuming the pastry means you no longer have it.
I cannot believe I spent my whole life not grasping this phrase. Thank you. I’m embarrassed how much my mind just expanded.
There are a lot of clichés that may not make a lot of sense at face value. I’ve found some actually go a lot deeper than you expect, or may actually apply on multiple levels. Common wisdom often hits harder than I initially realized as I’ve gotten older…
Edit: and as you comment shows, I’ve also been guilty of straight-up misinterpreting the meanings as well. Literally just the other day i realized that Lifesavers™ candy are supposed to be little life preservers, as one would have on a boat. For whatever reason, i thought they were just making some grandiose claim as brands often like to do… Sometimes our first impressions become our impressions until correction which may not take place for a long time
No problem, chief 👍
The problem is, that is the cake’s sole purpose. If it isn’t consumed it doesn’t mature and yield more cake. The analogy is a well known idiom, but it sounds a bit short when you think about it.
It’s a reference to a very pretty cake. Imagine a wedding cake on display at the wedding, before the bride and groom cut into it. They want to keep the cake pristine so it can stay on display. But that means they can’t eat it, because eating it would destroy the art. They also want to eat it, because it’s cake. They want to have their cake (to display) and eat it too.
That makes sense but I think real reason is they get off doing something so terrible and evil and immoral. I get it.
Very black and white view of things. Bad history?
Because you need to be brave. Cheaters are cowards.
Cause I’m single and trying to pass this math test
Betraying the trust of your significant other ❌
Flagrant violation of academic integrity ✅
Remember that Beyonce song about the guy who cheated on her, but it’s cool because she wasn’t that into him and the other guy she’s been seeing is on his way over to replace him?
Sometimes everybody sucks at being in a relationship.
People aren’t honest enough with each other and their own needs. Meanwhile we build other dependencies in long term relationships that have nothing to do with physical attraction, but are in most cases more important for all kinds of reasons.
Monogamy is the basis of a lot of unnecessary suffering because it’s resisting a very real need we continue to have even when our relationships become romantically stagnant. If we could all just be honest about it with our SOs without fear, and work together as we do anyway to maintain other commitments to each other, we could have a culture where there’s a lot more freedom to seek more intimacy and love in a way that isn’t dishonest, that isn’t “cheating”.
I’ve never understood the concept of cheating in general. Basically what a person says is that they don’t want their significant other to experience any kind of intimacy or sexual relationships with any other person except for them for the rest of their lives.
I’ve always seen that as kinda unfair.
On the other hand if I’m in a relationship I typically don’t feel the need or desire to have relations with any other person even when the opportunity presents itself.
I have a friend though that is hopelessly in love with his girlfriend but regularly engages in sexual relations with other women. For him, it’s not an emotional activity, it’s just a physical one.
But you’re absolutely right open honest communication is absolutely key.
What makes cheating, cheating, is the betrayal of trust involved more than any specific acts of intimacy. The reality is in monogamous relationships merely falling for someone else, even without then knowing how you feel, already feels like a betrayal in your heart as a loyal partner who wishes you only had eyes for your SO and nobody else. Even porn in some cases is a betrayal. It’s a whole lot of unnecessary suffering not to acknowledge how the overwhelming majority of us won’t mentally thrive under these conditions. Therefore, setting expectations appropriate for your situation is key.
For my part, my SO understands that due in part to her relatively low sex drive and complete lack of initiative, certain needs of mine aren’t being met, and we’ve talked about it. I still love her deeply, and we have recently had a child, and I have every intention of meeting my obligations as a father and partner for the rest of my life. But, there’s a real possibility I could fall for someone else one day. I already have friends who I can say I love and would jump at the opportunity to be intimidate with should they show that kid of interest. What interests me though, are loving bonds, not hookups (I mean STD risks and all sorts. Ew). I want to be close with those who I sleep with, and i want them to know I love my partner and will always be there for her and our child. But, there’s space for them too, if they want in. Ideally, my partner likes and accepts them too - and the more close they are as friends (or even lovers too) the better.
In any case, that’s the dream I guess. Nothing has happened yet, and I find with a baby to look after, I’m in no rush, and certainly even with everything out in the open, it’s still too much drama to navigate at the moment. But if it does happen one day, at least it won’t result in a litany of lies that lead to guilt and suffering all around. At least, that’s the idea. I know it will never be quite that easy in reality, but it wouldn’t be life otherwise!
I feel kinda the same way… I don’t really like the whole “spontaneous sex” “one night stand” thing. I would prefer to get to know the person I’m going to be intimate with…
But again I have friends that would easily rail a woman in the bathroom of a bar and forget that even happened in a week.
I dunno…
My hope would be that the girls your friend rails behave and feel the same way and their respective partners if they have them know it too, or they’re single and that’s their thing. Maybe they don’t care about herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, or HIV either, because the thrill is worth the risk.
I know that isn’t even mostly the case and most people are behaving in ways they will later regret. But I do think there’s a culture in which we can be more honest and happy with having a bit more love in our lives.
It will take work and conversations like this are a small part of that I guess.
Wonder how it would work out if his gf reularly engaged in sex with anyone she wanted for a physical activity.
I don’t think the relationship would continue “working”.
I would be uncomfortable with my partner hooking up with a stranger. That’s a betrayal of our shared values, and creates risks for both of us (e.g. unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and general drama that could create a lot of unnecessary stress). I would rather know that she has fallen for someone we’re both know preferably, and who she loves and believes she can trust implicitly. I would still feel a healthy amount of jealousy, and be worried about thing going wrong, and her being hurt. But I would trust her judgment, and trust she won’t run away and leave me to raise our kid on my own. But yeah, the sex, and intimacy in this case, wouldn’t bother me too much.
You’re absolutely right. He would be devastated and react very negatively to his girlfriend “cheating” on him.
The double standard is the size of Texas.
I think that’s an unfair assessment based on negative stereotypes and only really serves to legitimatize the behavior you’re referring to.
This is a very thoughtful and adult take.
Its not the most sensitive info here, but you shouldn’t censor things using non-opaque markings. It’s pretty trivial to throw the image in an editor, crank up the brightness, and see what’s behind the censor in this case. Just wanna let you know in case you happen to do this to some sensitive info
Why not just have two relationships?
Because that might require honest, open communication. And result in more satisfying relationships, wherein the parties to the relationships can actually get what they desire. Who wants that? /s. Hmm, is there a polyamory magazine on the Fediverse? I hadn’t looked… dang, I searched, yielded nada. Am I obligated to make one, now? We’re building a whole new social media. Each contributing as they will.
While it’s not my bag I very much believe people should love the way that makes them and all fully consenting members happy, but there’s not a lot of people that want to be part of something like that tbh. The polyamory itself I mean, not the sub. You should totally make a sub if there isn’t one
Some people are monogamous and they are allowed to be in relationships that are satisfying and make them happy.
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Because that might require huge, boatloads of cash. And result in more satisfying prostitutes, wherein the parties to the relationships can actually get paid.
I have an baseless theory that people that first has sexual experience when they were young or in strict households and had to sneak around and hide their relationships are more likely to want to chest because the “thrill” of hiding the relationship and tabbooness of it reminds them of their formative sexaul experiences.
Aye, I think that’s why there’s so much step sister step brother porn as well
Yeah that’s because many Gen-Zers and late millennials have grown up in blended families. I bet many of them have fantasized about bangin an older step sister or step mom and even stepdads fantasize about banging an adult step daughter. Then they look up that kind of porn on the web. The algorithms will push that genre up in the rankings and then producer will follow the trend to appear at the top of those rankings.
Someone should have told my exwife this handy life hack. Would have saved me untold grief and depression. However, life can throw you a beautiful little surprise after a nightmare. If it wasn’t for that godawful woman, I never would have met the love of my life, the woman who I spent my whole life waiting for and now enjoying what it means to be happily married to my biggest crush, my best friend and waking up right next to her and our little family every morning. I can safely say it was all worth it. It could have been easier to get here but I’d do it again on legendary difficulty if I had to.
Because being adult in age isn’t at all the same thing as being adult in maturity plus often people derive different benefits in different kinds of relationships so they want to keep both going (for example, somebody in his or her 40s happilly married with kids and yet getting excitement and sexual pleasure with a younger lover).
Also there are often huge social and financial implications to breaking up certain types of relationships or under certain conditions, but people might still be irresistibly drawn to something else, so they play a game to both sides not wanting the costs nor willing to run the risk of losing one to get the other.
It’s a mix of selfishness, immaturity, cowardice and people changing over time and discovering that the stable relationship they’re in doesn’t fit them (either anymore or they get to a point were they figure out it never trully did)
Yeah, I never understood it either. Either have an open relationship with consent, or communicate whatever needs you have that you want to fulfill by cheating properly, and accept that it may not work out if there is truly no way to meet them. I guess I can at least abstractly understand when it happens spur-of-the moment and under the influence of drugs/alcohol, but I still can’t properly put myself in those shoes.
Because the government pays you to be married
Tax breaks like dependency deductions.
If you didn’t receive a healthy signing bonus for taking on your spouse, you got played for a fool. My bonus wasn’t crazy, but it bought us a modest house and meeting my 5-year performance goals covered our modest yacht.
Yeah that should be step one not step two
Alimony
Sometimes relationships aren’t over.
