I’ve become aware, as I get older, how my initial emotional reaction to conflict isn’t always fair and is usually pointed backward, defensive and angry. I also know that I do better if I have time alone to process how I’m feeling, and often by the time I’m done things have moved on.
What I’ve been working on is to stop using excuses - the moment has passed, I’d just be dredging up the same argument, I’ve had this conversation in my head a bunch but they never turn out exactly right - and just go back to the people involved and tell them how I feel because they deserve that effort. There have been disagreements I’ve had where I wasn’t in the wrong but the other party did something I can admire and appreciate, and it doesn’t hurt me any to say that.
And it never ends with what I imagine is “argument perfection”: a point by point discussion of intent and action and history. Which is silly because life is messy but it gets better and I and others grow more patient and willing to move forward if I’m not always bracing for a blow.
That’s…probably a bit confusing, but it’s been something I’ve been mulling over, so…what personality traits of yours are you working on?
I’m trying to cultivate a stronger sense of kinship/kindness towards complete strangers. My natural impulse is to take on an adversarial/defensive/judgemental stance towards people which is unhealthy. For example if someone cuts me off in traffic I just assume they’re a terrible person - but I have to remind myself that having this reaction only makes my own life more unpleasant. Things work out better if you assume the best in people.
One time I was speeding up the freeway at 5am doing about 20 over the limit. At the time it was a two lane freeway and there were two cars side by side. I flashed my lights at the car in front and they wouldn’t move so I eventually looked ahead and over took them on the shoulder. Probably were thinking what a nutcase but I had my wife in labour in the passenger seat HAHAHA. Sometimes, you just don’t know the reasons for a person’s behaviour and we can often judge their entire person from an interaction in a minute moment in time.
Oh by the way, she was crowning by the time we got the the hospital, he didn’t wait lol
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Because your kids won’t need a parent once they turn 18?
Because I can finally put myself first.
Don’t worry if you were in my life, I’d put you first ;)
If you want to talk drop me a message.
I love you.
Recovery takes one step at a time
Talk less, listen more. Not by choise, mind you. Ever since the pandemic my social interactions have steadily declined. At this point I sometimes spend days without verbally saying anything
Trying to become a more “active” listener. My brain tends to want to immediately come up with a response without fully waiting to hear the whole conversation. Hence often, I speak before I think and/or before the person I was listening to was finished talking. I am trying to quiet my brain until the speaker finishes their commentary before I pause and work on a thoughtful reply as opposed to blurting out the first thing that comes to my mind.
Oh this is very familiar.
I think this is an aspect of AD(H)D; you know you have something to say, but you’re not sure you can hold onto it AND what the other person is saying at the same time.
In my case, a lot of the time I just don’t process conversation at the same speed that other people do. I like text for a reason: I can marshal my thoughts, edit comments, and see what I’m responding to instead of relying on my memory which is…poor.
At the same time, there’s the notion that different communicative means produces different communication styles. A phone call is not a face to face talk is not an email is not a letter is not a DM, so each should differ according to the medium. Deep, insightful comments might lend more towards written conversations, partly because they’re hard to say in the moment and because they’re hard to react to.
That’s so awesome that you recognized it and decided to be better! I’ve been doing a similar thing. I’m trying not to get defensive when a mistake is pointed out to me. I’m trying harder to own my role in the problem and not be like “well, if so and so hadn’t…”
Good luck to us both!
Trying to be more positive. My cynicism doesn’t affect me but it seems to put others down.
Happiness
Nothing… I’m sick of working on myself for the benefit of other people. At this point in my life I’m just going to do me, be me, and be happy. Everyone else can deal with it.
Each year my new years resolution is to talk less and listen more.
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It is definitely tough to shed that sense. Growing up knowing I was “weird” and therefore bad (no, it was just undiagnosed autism, but I was an adult before I knew that and that element of myself had long since been solidified) meant that if I wanted people to like me then I had to give more than they did in order to just break even, which is exhausting and unfair, especially since I have a tendency to read neutral expressions as negative ones.
One thing that has helped me is the realization that that happy feeling I get when someone came to me for help and I helped them? Goes both ways for good people. And it sucks for them, too, if you’re suffering and they could help but you were afraid to ask. Having standards is both a defense of yourself and a means of determining which people should stay prominent in your life.
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