I’ve met this person and we texted for a while for a couple of weeks. I even asked if we could go out on our own to have a coffee together, and she accepted, but asked for some time to sort things out on her life (I know that she was studying for a difficult selection for a public position. Plus, she’s a single mom). But I realized that I was starting and maintaining our interactions every single time. So I decided to give her some space, just to see if she would talk back to me. A day became a week, which became a month, and no sign of her. Did I ghosted her inadvertently, or she wasn’t interested in the first place, or she’s probably having too much happening in her life and I should be more supportive?
Either they don’t like you or they do but they’re just too busy to put in the effort. Either way you’re better off spending time with others.
You didn’t ghost her first of all. Inadvertently or otherwise.
This is a pretty easy way to gauge someone’s interest by just seeing if they ever message you first.
Really you should just take this as a sign to move on and work on relationships that are two sided. Ones where the other person texts first.
Sorry its happened to you, but its always better now then after you’ve invested a serious amount of time and emotional energy into a relationship.
Thanks. I’ve been working on my self-confidence and self-esteem, so as crazy as it seems this is all new to me.
I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor! Ghosting would be if she hit you up a bunch and you ignored her. It sucks aaaassss to find out someone cool is too busy or not very Interested, but it sounds like that’s what happened here. You’ll meet someone dope and jive with them eventually, just keep lookin’!
Even if you’re not extremely confident in yourself (which absolutely describes me), if you pretend to be, it not only shows, but it will make you more confident in the future. I’m happy you’re working on that—I faked it and it worked, it’ll work for you too!
As a parent with a demanding job, I will get so distracted with life that I forget to reach back out. I even do it with family from time to time. I feel so bad that my brother reaches out to me more than I do to him.
I would just send a short message saying something supportive and non-judgmental. Like, “sorry I haven’t reach out lately, things got busy (with my job/schoool/or whatever you do), just wanted to check and see how you are doing.” Or something along those lines, to put the onus on you and easy her feelings if she does feel bad about not messaging you first. I would not immediately ask her to meet again. Just see if you can get the conversation going.
Most relationships I’ve had in my life, both platonic and sexual, just sort of ‘clicked.’ I never found myself wondering about what was going on, most effort was recipricated without much thought. I would just move on. She directly communicated she needed space, she’s not reaching out - I think the writing is on the wall.
No. It’s ghosting if they reach out to you, and you ignore them.
This is not ghosting. Can’t speak on the rest. People are complicated, and their life seems more complicated than most from what little you said.
It’s hard to stomach but you knew the truth before asking Lemmy. Sorry, friend, but it’s probably better this way, honestly. And don’t take it personally! It’s not like this is someone who knew you inside and out and decided to avoid you. 🙏
no problem on that, people have the right to be attracted to other people or not. i was just insecure if i did something wrong or not.
Of course, and I don’t think you did, not at all. 👍
This is a hard one and I feel it needs more context, at least for me to give advice on it. My problem is that she was reasonable in her request for space to sort things out, and I think you’re reading into that too much possibly.
What I’d say is, if you think your relationship is established enough to do so, is just ask her. I don’t think it would be “creepy” if you reached out and were like “hey haven’t heard from you in a while” sort of thing. You’re leaving yourself open to guessing and that can often be unhealthy.
nah, i’m ok with moving on.
Totally fair, homie. I hope you didn’t take my comment as any sort of criticism of you, that wasn’t my intention but rereading my comment and I can see how that might have come across.
or she wasn’t interested in the first place,
Well:
I even asked if we could go out on our own to have a coffee together, and she accepted, but asked for some time to sort things out on her life
So all I am hearing/seeing there is a no. You asked her out and turned you down and you have not heard from her in a month
It is pretty clear to me she isn’t interested.
Did you ghost her? Does that mattter?
Am I too autistic and missing something? If someone says yes and asks for time to sort some stuff out first, to me that means that they said yes and need some time to sort stuff out first?
It has been a month… pay attention to what they do not what they say.
WTF is there to work out to meet someone for coffee….
If she’s a single mother? Quite a lot, actually.
No, it means I would but I’m already getting it elsewhere, so if that changes you can be backup.
What you’re describing happened a lot, both with me and from me.
You know, communication has this inherent paradox of needing a transmitter and a receiver at a given moment, and the transmitter must send the right code sequence so the receiver takes over the communication and roles get swapped, but there are rules that can’t be communicated explicitly (humans call this “social cues” or “tells”), so the transmitter can only guess what the correct sequence is for the receiver to act upon that, and the receiver can only guess what the transmitter is telling behind their audible spectrum.
Humans often rely on “body language”, such as gestures (indicating a plethora of things, from discomfort to excitement and enjoyment), vocal pitch (sobbing voice compared to the base spectra inherent to their voice gait? It’s likely sadness or anger) and facial expressions (AU5 + AU26 + AU38? The person is likely expressing fear)… Until the many means of telecommunications emerged, especially the former ARPANET which increasingly became the “extension of the world”, becoming not just a Third Place, but all Places (it’s “Home”, it’s “Work”, it’s “Commerce”, it’s “Library”, it’s “Pub”, the trichromatic Matrix can morph into many shapes and forms).
Then, whole generations (such as mine) grew in a world where telecom were already more frequent than in-person communication, so they’re (we’re) likely to prefer taking through this RGB curtain, because their (our) brains were wired that way.
But telecom sucks at conveying social cues. People try to rely on /s /jk and other tags, people try to rely on emojis, but it’s not enough. I mean, even body language isn’t really enough, but at least that’s how species have been communicating for billions of years.
And telecom apparata made us used to receiving rather than transmitting (e.g. doomscrolling, passively watching hours of a movie, etc), until our ability to transmit atrophies, so we start to react rather than to act: one is more likely to reply to a DM than to send a DM in the first place.
Add that to all the crap that’s been happening in the world, and how we’ve been constantly dredged and drained by the system, and how Turing test failed on us, and people start to get afraid or tired to talk to other people for a plethora of reasons.
Those who transmit with ease get annoyed upon realizing they’re not getting feedback (that’s what happened with you as soon as you realized your friendship was, actually, some kind of lecturing), and those who receive with ease get annoyed by “verbosity”.
Earlier in my human existence, I was often ghosted. Then I also started to ghost some people as well, as soon as I realize I’m the only one effectively investing on sharing and/or there are blatant second intentions behind the person’s reasons to talk to me (e.g. trying to convert me to their religion, or abusing my willingness to help/teach people).
ahem…
it’s fine if you need to ghost people
