Hello there, I’m a 21 year old guy from Germany and have very strong depression because of the constant abusive, toxic and manipulative behavior that I received from my parents since I was a kid.
Those strong depression are also the reason why I struggle a lot in life to get anything done by myself and become independent.
I already lived on my own when I was 17 but I failed because of my depression that made me incapable of taking care of myself which is why I moved back to my parents a year ago who only make it way worse for me because they won’t stop hurting me and treating me like a awful person.
I feel so stuck in life and I tried everything from therapy, mental hospital and medications but nothing worked. The burden is just too strong causing me to feel worthless and incapable of living, I have lots of shame, guilt and major anxiety.
It’s like being paralyzed by the fear of life.
My biggest dream always was to get rid of my parents and live independently on my own but I’m just incapable. I wanna get rid of this victim state so bad but I can’t find a way to escape/deal with the hurt.
Is there anything I can do?
I feel like the burden of living with my parents is so strong that I have no motivation for any hobbies. I gotta move out first but like I said I already tried and failed. It’s like a negative spiral that seems impossible to get out of.
Normally I have lots of hobbies such as working out, jogging, swimming and have many interests including technology, science and social activities. I partly did all that when I wasn’t living with my parents. But currently my state is paralyzing me and preventing me from doing any of that.
That’s a lot of activities. … you sound a bit like me: well I went for a jog (meaning I ran like crazy for 1 and a half hours) I worked only a little bit today (six hrs of demanding physical work) then I met with only one friend (we discussed her divorce) and in the evening I cought up on studies to finish my MA …
I was trying to catch up on life and also internalised the abuse of not beeing enough nor doing enough.
Please learn to be nice to yourself. I had to try out six psychologists before I found one who was able to see behind my mask and allowed me to work through my experiences (abuse, etc. )
I needed to learn to pace myself ( a half hr walk is good enough for your mental health, also I discovered weight training / bodybuilding works well. (I was mostly doing endurance muscles before to “stay lean” and not look “too burly”. That was a bad idea. Fuck the patriarchy.) weight training is even scientifically proven to enhance your brain activity.
Also your reactions sound like you have a little bit of deficiency in some minerals/amino acids/ vitamins. If your health care provider covers it you should get your bloodwork done. I did the same thing when I finally was able to get away - I was constantly tired and unwell because I forgot to eat Cruciferous plants.
Or you can try the poor people route and just eat the supplements you can affford for a month and see if it changes anything. In that case tracking your mood helps you see changes. Mood journal PDF s are easily found on google. Toxic family upbringing has a tendency to make you misremember your own moods and diminish your successes.
Building routines also helps. Every bit of daily (self) care.
Wish you the best.