Just break up already. Creating a tiny extra human is not going to magically fix all of your issues.

… of course that would create a paradox in which I was never born, hence not able to give her that advice … but seriously, the only reason I exist is because my mother didn’t want my dad to leave her, which is simply a shitty reason to become pregnant.

GO TO THERAPY YOU TRAUMATIC FUCKS

If you guys ever have kids, and one of them, when he’s eight years old, accidentally sets fire to the living room rug… go easy on him.

You have ADHD and your kids probably will too.

Physical punishment is traumatic, unhelpful and builds resentment.

Don’t wait for me to graduate high school to get divorced. Just do it.

Don’t impose your religion on your kids or you’ll just drive them away and you’ll never get to know them as adults before the cancer kills you.

I’ll jump on the “just don’t” train. Like serious try again some other time but just abort this one

Dear future parents, don’t bring me into this fucking world!!!

Jumping on the “get a fucking divorce” train and adding “stop buying prepackaged overprocessed food, feed me some damn vegetables, and stop giving me so much goddamn sugar”

Don’t provide your 12 year old cigarettes, weed and booze .

Say you love me… sometimes it’s hard to tell

Don’t

I know you have my life mapped out, because as someone who desperately wants kids, it’s impossible not to do that. But don’t assume a kid is going to follow that plan. Some kids are gay. You both handled that news really, really well, but for real, why did you have to assume I was straight to begin with? I wish I could have told you when I was 14, but I had to deal with not being the thing you thought I was. As a result, I’m 32 and still don’t have kids, because I got a really late start on the whole dating someone thing, and I’ve still never brought anyone home. It’s not your fault, but next go round, try not to box your kids the way you were boxed in.

Also, Mama. Leave his ass. Do not marry him. It doesn’t matter how upset Grandmama will be, she’ll get over it. Just tell her you love her, and go raise that baby alone.

Don’t tell me to mindfuck bullies cuz they’re dumb as fuck and didn’t understand anything I said, but continued to beat me up!