The US sees an item not referred to by a corporate brand name, and wouldn’t have it.
They’re not alone in it, but their suseptiblity to macro-marketing can only be described as “American level”.
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
its because they call it chocolate sandwich biscuits. like what even is that?
Chicken biscuits on either side of something like a sandwich.
The brand name is far from the point here but why bother when “grumble grumble America bad” is an option.
imagine going out of your way to whinge about others whinging about america, as we’re watching the country obviously descend into blatant fascism
Oreos are just shite bourbons
Bourbons were just copying the already successful Hydrox cookies. Hydrox is superior to both Bourbons and Oreo, because they have always been vegan
Hydrox has a more cookie like cookie than Oreo’s and yet… I like the abomination more. Something about its almost chemical like flavor just goes really good with the creme and milk.
Newman-O’s are another vegan alternative. The mint ones are great.
Golden Oreos are just shite Custard Cremes
Not just shite, but like they got every facet as wrong as they could. Awful, heinous biscuits.
If memory serves, the original oreo, which had some shit futuristic name that makes it sound like a cleaning product or something, are older than bourbons, but bourbons are older than oreos.
Hydrox. They’re still around, and have always been
kosher.vegan.Yeah, bourbons and oreos are both vegan. I can’t speak for whether or not a rabbi was present for their slaughter, or whatever.
Oh gotcha, clearly I conflated what dietary requirements they met.
(Maybe they are kosher, sorry. I was just making a joke of ignorance between kosher and halal. Figured we might as well conflate Islam and Judaism)
I could be wrong, but as I understand it Halal is Kosher, but not the other way around, since Muslims recognize Jews as a people of the book.
Ooooh now that does sound like it could be a good fact
Never thought I’d be on the side of the redcoats, but alas you make a good point.
I understand now why so many traitorous Scots put on the coat.
All the brits in here don’t even understand, it’s not about the brand name you ninnys, they’re chocolate sandwich cookies.
FIX BAYONETS!
How is it a chocolate sandwich though?
I have a ham sandwich, or I have a salami sandwich. I don’t have a “bread sandwich.”
The shit in the middle isn’t chocolate right?
It’s a chocolate-flavored sandwich-cookie, not a cookie version of a chocolate sandwich.
That’s just what the off brand ones call themselves to avoid lawsuits, don’t read too much into it.
Or do idc lol but that’s why.
Nah, biscuit is the proper term. Look it up. Aren’t these just corporate factory macaroons though?
Brit here. Not once have I heard anyone refer to Oreos this way
Hydrox > Oreos
Yes but so is wet cardboard so that is not a high bar. I never understood why people liked oreos. They’re really shitty biscuits, the only thing good about them is the marketing. I think I ate two in my life. The first because people hyped them up, the second because I could not believe they were quite as bad as I remembered because people still seemed to eat them of their own free will. They were actually as bad as they were the first time.
If only the British had sent brand name tea, it wouldn’t be at the bottom of Boston harbour.
And none of that Sleepytime crap either! Doesn’t work. My mother used to give me a cup before bed constantly in an attempt to get me to sleep more than 4 hours a day.
They’re called “chocolate sandwich biscuits” in the UK? Huh, I always call them “overrated”.
Americans attempts to be funny with things that never happened.
At least they’re not over-reacting.
I kinda agree but probably for opposite reasons. There’s no sliced bread OR butter so it can’t be a sandwich. And I’m fairly sure there’s no actual chocolate in there. Oreos are definitely biscuits tho.
