I used to be good at time management and very motivated in my career. Then about two years ago I lost a close friend over a strong disagreement and then lost my job.
Slowly but surely I became a bit depressed and had some physical health issues. I’m seeing a therapist already, and a few months ago I finally managed to get a plebe job at a retailer, but when it comes to doing my personal work that would open doors in my industry I just can’t seem to find the time and motivation to do it.
Don’t get me wrong. I got plenty of time available, I just find myself being ridiculously avoidant or distracted or tired, you get the idea. And, no, I don’t use social media much, I don’t videogame or binge shows. I just get distracted with house chores or simply overthinking.
I’ve already tried lists, planning and goal setting ( all this comes naturally to me), but it makes no difference.
I’ve tried reducing the expectations and goals, no difference. I still don’t do anything.
I tried apps to keep track of my progress; also useless.
I’ve even considered finding a life coach, but I get the feeling they’re a scam. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends or relatives that can help me stay on track with my goals.
TLDR I’m getting a bit desperate here. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks.
They only advice I can give you is there is no trick or fix. You are going to fail and that is okay. You have to think of it like a muscle. You don’t start with 600 lbs weights. You start at like a 6 lbs weights and work your muscles up.
Building focus is the same way create very small goals maybe it’s write one paragraph of your resume then stop. You built up your motivation muscle just a little bit.Then when that becomes a habit add more goals and maybe bigger goals as you go along.
The biggest issue I find is people make goals around results and sometimes those results are not in your control. So people think they failed their goal and got discouraged but framing your goals about what you are doing keeps you going. As you celebrate the accomplishment of the journey of doing not achieving as that is just a byproduct of what you are doing.
Muscle*
Can one of our available scientists please confirm how much lbs a mussle can bench-press?
I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I’ll give my perspective anyway.
Why do you care about getting “back in your industry/career”? Yeah you did it previously, but is it really what makes you happy?
When you have goals, you always think “once I reach this, everything will be better”. In my experience and with everyone I ever talked with, this was never the lasting case. Reaching some nice goal gave satisfaction for days or sometimes even weeks or months, but never longer. Then it was back to dissatisfaction and another goal.
The common path frequently described out of depression is getting back into the groove of setting goals, following them, not being satisfied, setting another goal, repeat. This is not how I got out of my depression and also not a good life.
I don’t think it’s important that you reach your goal of getting back in your industry or whatever. I think it’s important that you’re fine with not reaching it. I think it’s important to recognize that you can be happy and satisfied right where you are, exactly with what you have.
Fair take.
one must be careful not to sabotage the slef. it will become very angry
one cannot reason with the slef, the slef merely knows what it does and charges through all obstacles before it, like the single-minded demented humunculus it is
This is depression. Right now, it is no one’s job to worry about your effectiveness in performance and absolutely not to pass judgement on yourself for those considerations. It is your job to work with your therapist, heal, and self empathize. Try to remember that depression is not something you have but something you lack. Depression usually presents as a lack of motivation. So, focus on you and fuck anyone EVERYONE who says otherwise. If it needs to then productivity will come. And if not, who cares?! You do you cuz!
Okay, how do I focus on me? I’m trying to, I’ve signed up for some activities, I sometimes turn down work shifts if I feel tired or just not in the mood. But I’m still missing the motivation
do things that bring you joy! hobbies, especially those from your childhood, are perfect for this
What do you give a shit about?
Sometimes finding anything to care about when you are depressed, but if/when you find something you care about beyond feeling better, you should really think about why, and if it’s healthy, lean into it.
Some people care about creating, some about building, some discover, service to others, analysis, working with their hands, being in nature. What do you gravitate towards? Some people go down a path they don’t care about, because of external pressures, or comfort, or just trying to get by.
If you don’t care to advance the career you are in, maybe it’s time to think about why.
I trust that if you know yourself enough to admit in words on the internet that you aren’t helping yourself, you are damn self aware enough to think about these things. Don’t worry about the stress of changing careers or losing progress or what other people think. Just figure out what you might care about, which paths you could see yourself going down, and mentally explore those and see what you give a shit about. Find some intersection between stuff you give a shit about and what is productive, and motivation comes. Motivation is a by-product, a secondary effect, of having something motivating to work on.
This will sound dumb, but I’m saying it sincerely.
I’ve had similar issues (without getting into details), but what worked for me was getting outside a couple times a week. By that I mean bringing a tent or hammock + tarp and sleeping outside a couple nights a week on workdays.
To be specific: I sleep outside Monday-Tuesday and Wednesday-Thursday. On those days I also make my dinner at my campsite. What I’ve found is that my brain goes into a much more “primal” state of “monke outside in cold, monke get shit done”, and that it propagates into my day and week.
The barrier to this is of course actually going outside, but I’ve been able to get to a place where I have a “deal with myself” about those two nights a week. I always have my pack ready, so it’s just about grabbing it and heading out- I think that’s key.
I’m not saying this is a solution for everyone, but it’s done wonders for me. As of now, I get restless and feel bad if I’m in a situation where I can’t get outside at least once a week. It brings me a peace of mind and will to get stuff done that nothing else can.
Thanks for sharing, it’s an unusual take. This doesn’t work for me for a variety of reasons but gives me food for thought.
Sounds like you’re still working through depression to me. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to heal and work through things, I’m glad you’ve found a therapist that’s a great step. Do you think you want to go back to the industry or could you be avoiding it subconsciously? Something that has helped me a lot is journaling, you can wipe down your goals and break them down into smaller goals if needed.
I know I want to go back, what I’m not sure about is the precise reason behind the avoidance. Because I am absolutely avoiding it.
Something to talk to your therapist about maybe. Definitely focus on yourself as your priority though. Do things which make you happy, exercise, seeing friends / family, spending time outside.
This is the main reason I’m going to therapy, of course this is in the menu
I do this:
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Tell myself I’m not going to do it. What ever it is, I’m not going to do it.
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Do the bare minimum thing like: open up a word document, turn on a tap to wash dishes, take something out of a box.
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By commencing the task I’ll usually default into doing the next part like reading the document, washing a dish, sorting something out.
Additional tips:
- Break big things into small chunks.
- Dont get overloaded. If your a room do it one draw at a time so you can stop when ever. Getting trapped in a “I can’t sleep until this is finished” task is a trap.
- Lists to keep track.
P.S. I was in recruitment 13 years ago and once thought about throwing myself down the stairs to get out of work. I did that job for 2x years and used it to move to a better industry.
You can make change in your life.
Good luck, we’re all counting on you :)
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Imo, guilt and/or fear is holding you back from the industry. Forgive yourself and everything else about the past situation somehow. Every job has the potential to be different even in the same industry. There are a lot of books and techniques that help to process blame, guilt and fear. This and what everyone else is saying.
I agree with you. My problem isn’t rational understanding of what’s happening to me but actually finding a method to get over it. To make an analogy, knowing what disease you have doesn’t make it go away.
I sent you one that I use probably everyday. It’s amazing how we make decisions that our brains try to help with, but gets messed up because they conflict. Your therapist should be able to help with more.
Thank you, I’ll give it a try!
Can you do something different for your career? Seems like you hate it.
Reading the book “Atomic Habits” helped me.
Slef
I don’t believe you’re spending all your time “overthinking” or “doing chores”. Stop bullshitting yourself. Try harder.
You accomplish years and years of intense, highly productive and rewarding work then this happens. It’s not about puckering up. Be curious. People have stated things like “depression” and “executive dysfunction”. You can look these up, there are plenty of resources.
I used to think like you before this happened to me. I’ll try harder nonetheless