Me. It’s me.

My oldest dog, Lady - a 13 yr old cocker spaniel - has been having massive bloody noses lately. Like, I come home and it looks like a murder scene in my living room. The vet hasn’t figured out what’s happening to her, but she was scheduled for a specialist to take a look in a couple weeks.

I took her to the emergency vet the other night because, on top of the bloody noses, one of her eyes is super red and kind of bulgy. Turns out, she might have a tumor in her head behind her eye socket. Which would explain the bloody noses and bulging red eye. Her specialist appt was bumped up and we’ll find out for sure later this week.

I’ve had this dog since she was 2 years old; rescued her from a shelter after her previous family abandoned her on the streets as a puppy. And since my wife and I can’t have kids, our dogs are basically our children. So it’s hard coming to grips with the fact that they’re getting old and may not live much longer.

I expected something like this to eventually happen, but now that she’s having medical issues and is in constant pain, my wife and I are already talking about the possibility of having to put her down if we can’t remove the tumor. Money is not an issue; we’ll gladly dish it out to get her an operation. But she’s also getting old and her other medical issues are increasing (arthritis in her hips, fatty lumps popping up everywhere, clotting pores turning into itchy red bumps, her hearing is almost gone, etc.) so we’re preparing for the worst scenario.

She’s the sweetest dog in the world. Totally introverted; she won’t lick faces, but she enthusiastically licks hands and forearms when she’s excited and happy. She’s embarrassed to cuddle anyone for long, but you can tell she’s happy when she’s being given loving attention and she grins from ear to ear even if I just talk sweetly toward her. She always makes an effort to follow me from room to room, even if she just quietly hangs out somewhere nearby. She’s totally a daddy’s girl. I suspect her former family treated her like garbage because she’s extremely reserved and shy and it’s been a decade-long struggle to get her out of her shell. My wife and I used to think she was mute because she never barked, just quietly whined, or huffed and puffed when she wanted something. Getting another dog who was extremely outgoing helped her get out of her shell a bit, and now she sometimes barks if she needs something and we haven’t given her attention.

She’s just old, and eventually, we’ll need to end her suffering if/when it gets too much for her. And I’ve been depressed thinking about it all week.

EDIT: I just lost my dad to Parkinson’s Disease in January this year, so having another near and dear family member suffering from a potentially fatal issue is just hitting a bit hard right now.

The world has gotten so good at “society has bigger problems so get over it” that we feel incapable of expressing our own burdens.

I wonder if the above statement and "people don’t want to work"have comparable histories, I’m doubtful, but i wouldn’t be surprised.

We’re on holiday in Thailand and we visited the old king’s summer palace. Our guide told us a super sad story:

Apparently there was an accident long ago involving the queen and her baby daughter when the boat they were on, sank on the palace lake.

Even though there were lots of people around who were able to help, no-one could save them because nobody was allowed to touch the royals.

The queen and baby daughter drowned with everybody watching powerlessly.

Heartbreaking stuff man. Needed a moment to process that…

My finances.

Being alone and lonely and not seeing a change to that in my future.

Climate change. We are in a severe drought and I’m not sure that is going to change anytime soon. I bought and installed rain barrels but they are not filling up. I put buckets in the shower and turn it off when I’m soaping up. Showers used to be my space to decompress but now I have to hurry and use as little water as possible. It makes me so sad and angry to think that the rich oil fucks that ruined everything are just going on as if everything’s normal. They aren’t watching crops die in feilds, they aren’t struggling to get water to their animals, they aren’t watching birds downing in livestock water tanks. Private jets, fancy meals, finest of everything, while everyone else on earth pays the price.

Money.

My stock portfolio. I just wanna get rich quick man…

I’m moving a long distance soon. For the past few weeks, I’ve been spending all my free time working on finding a new place to live, organizing moving logistics, figuring out how to break my current lease, and calculating how the hell I’m going to pay for all of that. Its been draining me pretty heavily and in the last few days I’ve found myself breaking down crying over the stress and questioning my decisions.

At least I have something definitive to point to and say why I’m down. It’s a refreshing break from my usual bouts of depression where I can’t even explain the cause my negative thoughts.

Working for dipshits.