Title says it all
A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says “hey buddy, you lost a shoe” and the duck says “nah, I found one!”
This joke is all class. Well done
Okay, now that’s good.
How do think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Mike Tyson? That you?
An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says “sorry, I can’t serve you alcohol, you’re too young”. The weasel replies that’s ok, I’ll drink something else. The bartender says “well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what’ll it be?”
“Pop!” goes the weasel
Awesome
I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’
A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’
And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’
She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’
I said 'Alright, I’ll wait
I’m sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I’ll stop now
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can’t complain.
I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What do you call ten thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A good start.
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
what’s red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch is very heavily influenced by Steven Wright!
I know! It’s that deadpan delivery that really sells the style.
Did you ever watch Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs? Steven Wright does the voice over narration for K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70’s!
Yep yep yep I’m also the one who always goes around telling people that 😂
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
“Those are cougar tracks!” Bob exclaimed.
“Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks.” Brain said.
“I’m tellin’ you, I’ve been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!”
“There’s no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!”
Then they both got hit by a train.
Bob and Doug are building a fence.
Bob is throwing away half the nails.
Doug asks "Why are you throwing away the nails.
Bob replies “The heads are on the wrong end”
Doug shakes his head and says “Stupid, use those nails on the other side of the fence”
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
