Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
i know how you feel.
i don’t really have any advice.
i stopped dating a little before covid, and never started again.
i feel lonely sometimes, but i have friends and a cat.
I must be missing the cat part lol
Get a female cat that has not been spayed, instant cat family
Perhaps it’s good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other’s is so dissatisfying.
If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.
As for orientation, things just work differently when you’re aroace. I’d say focus on the first part.
It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.
Thinking you need to immediately fall in love with someone is an issue. That’s not a realistic expectation to put on yourself or them
This ^
Thanks, man. I’ve known and seen so many people that do. And even most in the comments here seem to think that I should just never bother to try because I don’t operate that way.
People rarely fall in love immediately. While love at first sight does happen, it‘s not the norm. Relationships build over time. You start with mutual interest, try to build a friendship and eventually it might click. If you bail before giving it a real chance, then of course, it’s unlikely you’ll build a deep connection with anyone.
This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.
I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.
I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.
It might help being up front about that to potential partners, be it on an app or on a real life date. It sets the expectations right. And while most people are indeed sexual, there are still a lot who aren’t. You aren’t the only person on the ace spectrum that likes companionship. I’ve even met people who are aromantic and asexual and still have something you could probably consider a relationship, even if there are neither romantic nor sexual feelings involved. There’s a lid for everyone, you just have to meet someone who gets you.
Nobody falls in love immediately. Some people feel like they do, but that’s infatuation. My wife and I dated for 3 months before we ever kissed. You don’t have to rush these things, and it’s almost certainly better if you don’t.
But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
I’m not one to tell somebody they shouldn’t feel annoyed, or tired, or bothered, but it sounds like you’re not satisfied with how things are going for you, and I’ve italicized three things above you should take a hard look at if you’re interested in any kind of change.
Recognize that you don’t have to feel annoyed. Feeling annoyed or bothered is often what we feel if we have fears, anxieties, or expectations that aren’t being met, and you can actually learn to let all of that go and just be present in the moment, if you want to.
Also, you identified yourself that you “act like a dickhole,” so stop it!
Try to meet people irl. There are lots and lots of people. Try to let your barriers down, meaning approach people with no expectations, no judgment, and unconditional positive regard. Ask people questions about themselves. You’ll be flabbergasted how easily you can make connections if you do these things.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you’re not getting, you’re going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that’s creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They’re actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
My og advice still stands, you’ve got to meet people in real life. You need to develop enough confidence to approach people in public settings to strike up conversations, and put yourself in situations where you see people regularly, like a meetup or hobby group. A ton of people I know met their significant others through friends. Meeting and making friends will broaden your social circle, which will open up options for you.
The problem with that is I have to deal with the restriction of asexuality. I’ve had opportunities to date in irl in the past, but they’ve always been with sexual people, and I’m not compatible. It just… doesn’t pan out that way for me.
I get that “sex isn’t the most important part in a relationship”. But it’s actually a core need for 99% of the human population. If I’m only ever going to run into sexual people irl, then it doesn’t at all make sense to start my search there.
Do you ACTUALLY want a life partner, or do you feel your life is lacking something, and you suspect that a life partner would fill that hole?
Just kick the idea around for a bit. If getting to know someone is that painful, then why would you pursue a situation where they are ever present in your life?
You’ll know you’re ready for a relationship when you find yourself NEVER getting tired of talking to someone and wanting to go out of your way to spend even more time with someone. Now, you probably don’t think you’ll ever feel that way, maybe not, but that’s ok too. It just means you don’t need anyone right now, and trying to claim someone as yours just so you can check a box on a list of things that make other people happy isn’t going to help.
I do feel that way about people. But it takes a long ass time to get to that point. I don’t meet people and immediately like them. It takes me freaking forever to get there… we’re talking months.
I do have people in my life that I always want to be around and can’t get enough of, but for various reasons, it doesn’t make for a relationship. (Ex: obviously I’m not going to date my family members or my coworkers who are married with children). I do have the capacity to feel deep connections with others. It’s just not at all a quick thing for me.
I guess I don’t know for sure if I want a life partner…I just want someone to always be there for me and to be the same priority to them as they are to me.
I can relate to your last paragraph. And all I can suggest is find a hobby that brings the amount and kind of interaction you can stand. It’s ok to try different things. Could be sports, politics, chess, parachuting, boardgames, volunteering at the animal shelter, what ever you like to try. Do it for the thing itself and the interaction will come naturally. And don’t be afraid to try many things. Sometimes hobbies sound better than they actually are, sometimes we lose interest. That’s ok.
Just get a grip on that „being a dick“ thing when you are overwhelmed and frustrated. Again, I can relate, but it is probably your biggest problem. Try being straightforward with people instead. It is ok to tell people „sorry, my social batteries are drained right now“. Some will not understand, but some will and at least you are giving them a chance at that. If you lash out or just ghost people, it is guaranteed that nobody will understand, and I bet that in itself is another source of frustration.
Accept that you are not the great extrovert that society (and especially media) seems to put so much value on. And that is ok. There are plenty of people out there who are strong introverts and socially very awkward that find happiness and success at the amount of interaction they find acceptable. They don’t stand out by their very nature, but if you look for them, they are there. And there are plenty of people who appreciate those that are not the loudest blokes at the center of the party.
Yeah, I suppose I should try to join some sort of groups or something irl. Part of the problem is that dating-wise, I’m working with the small narrow group that are asexual people. You don’t run across them irl. So I can’t hope to just naturally find someone to date in person like a sexual person would. I could naturally make more friends maybe, but not date those that I find.
I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don’t post on the internet, but I’ve been coming around to the possibility that I’m gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I’m not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.
Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.
To be honest, I have thought now and then that “maybe I’m just gay”. But I still don’t seem to feel any of that stuff as strongly as sexual people do so idk.
I’ve never dated someone from the same sex, but I’ve been curious about it. These asexual dating sites are mostly filled with men, though, so it’s hard to find a woman both that I’m interested in and that ends up responding to me. My profiles put me as open to both men and women, but I’ve yet to find a woman that wants to mutually chat tbh.
Well good luck to us both! I have yet to find someone, but I hope we each find what we’re looking for
Thank you very much for your kind words. Same to you! 😊
Being blunt here, but it seems like you like the idea of dating and relationships, but probably not the reality of them.
I would suggest a pair of guinea pigs.
Get platonic friends through a hobby, like D&D, online gaming, rock climbing, music, etc. Find something you can enjoy locally (ideally).
Be honest about all that stuff when you meet someone. If you’re using a dating app, then be honest on your profile about it. Just come out and say it, otherwise the other person is going to be very confused, and think you’re really rude or weird. But, if you’re honest about it from the beginning, you might find a fellow misanthropist! It sounds like you really just want someone to hang out with, but not really have to talk to, or nurture a relationship with. I guarantee you that there are other people who want the same thing. So tell people what you want, and how you feel, and you might find someone who wants the same things!
Edit: that said, I would highly advise you not to have kids if you’re a misanthropist. The world already has enough bitterness in it. Kids are optimistic little creatures, and deserve the magic that is childhood.
Get a cat
Raising a kid, if that is what you mean by “raising a family” is a huge drain on anyone’s social battery.
It’s not so much the interaction with the little bugger, although that gets to be a huge drain when they reach puberty, but for me the other associated interactions deplete my battery instantly: P.e. Being forced to be polite to kid’s friends parents, teachers, others that you normally would just ignore because, tbh, most are bigot dumb fucks. I’m really happy that I can delegate many of these chores to my partner, but their batteries are also not limitless.
You should probably check out how far you can go on other irl social interactions before you start a family, and please don’t just do it because others seem to like having their own little happy thing, much of that haplyness is only outwards, and many just break apart catastrophically, which may often be the hardest on the kid involved.
although that gets to be a huge drain when they reach puberty
Ugh. My kid was just as rebellious as I was in his teen years, and made me and my wife’s lives a living hell.
On the one hand, I firmly believe that whatever attributes you have, there are people who want exactly that. On the other hand, the less popular those attributes are, the fewer people there are who want them. You apparently need someone who leans towards sexuality, is patient enough to deal with someone who is somewhat antisocial, and is willing to put up with kind of rude things like being ghosted or whatever, but is interested in reading a kid with someone like that. That’s a tiny percentage of people. You didn’t mention if you have other qualities that would be really attractive to people and might help balancing things out.
So what you do is just keep plugging at it, while understanding that it’s probably going to be a long search.
Lol. I wasn’t looking to make this into a dating ad for myself. So no, I didn’t list my positive qualities. I was just explaining my difficulties with dating in general and that I’m a bit confused as to how the whole thing works for everyone.
Oh, I understood, just saying that all we heard was a bunch of negatives for most people, and I’m trying to recognize that they might be somewhat balanced by some positives.
For most attributes, most people fall somewhere within normal tolerances. People might lean towards being introverted or extroverted, have sex as a higher or lower priority, etc., but they aren’t that far away from a midpoint. You have some attributes that you’re way out at the 90+ percentile, and that means your experience is likely going to be different from most people’s.
That’s probably pretty frustrating. You’re as deserving of happy, rewarding relationships as anyone, but like the guy with the size 16 shoe, you’re going to be harder to fit than most.
Right, some advice from an allo person with an ace family member:
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Dating and meeting people is hard, I’m sorry to say. Same as making friends, sometimes it just happens but most of the time it takes putting yourself out there in a meaningful and deliberate way.
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Liking someone and being interested in dating them does not usually hit like a bolt from the blue. It often grows over a while. You’ll often have to build a friendship with someone before you build a relationship.
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If you find someone tiring and boring, don’t date them. If you find everyone you meet boring and tiring after very little time then you have two options, either really challenge that preconception internally or consider whether you actually want to date.
If you want to date but aren’t ready to actually put in the time and effort to get to know people then you are really going to struggle. Are you going to want to date someone long term when you don’t even want to be connected to them for more than a few days?
There is also no guidebook, as much as it would be easier that way. People are individuals and dating requires you to see another as a person, not a puzzle to be solved. The only piece of advice that actually applies as a blanket is “be interested in them”. You need to actually take an interest in who they are, what they do, how they feel. Ask the questions and listen to the answers.
Good luck, truly. Learning how to do friendship and relationship stuff is fucking hard. But getting interested in people is the most rewarding approach to take (at least in my experience, and that of my close friends).
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You sound like you may have some schizoid qualities
Don’t know whatever this would be considered dating. It sounds like you’re looking for friends to do stuff with and if lucky something might develop between you. A good option could be joining honor groups or aggressively hanging out with the few friends you have. Like tell them about your plans and keep telling them till they join you m that way, you might meet their friends and extend your friend pool
I understand. I’m not much for people either. Find groups that focus on in person activities that you enjoy. Find a girl that enjoys those same activities and you both can enjoy those activities together. In person not online, real relationships exist in the real world. Good luck to you.
You’re only thinking about it from your own selfish perspective. Why the fuck would someone want to raise a family with someone who is aromantic and asexual. It’s obvious you both crave people and can’t stand them at the same time. That’s not a burden you should try to put on some one.
You’re right. Aro ace people should just kill themselves I guess?
no. you just have to understand you can’t get what you can’t give.
