I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
I have to be honest, this made my day
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
Til he had a podcast
He’s still in the Cortex podcast :)
Til about the Cortex podcast
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you’ll make new friends.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn’t a one off like I’ve been told before (which is amusing because I’ve had it happen multiple times since).
Maybe a relationship will just come to you and maybe it won’t. A lot of the advice you get in these kind of threads is like ‘just be yourself’ or ‘don’t be desperate’ or ‘be comfortable on your own’ or whatever. None of that ever worked for me. I was never able to just be myself or be on my own without feeling lonely and desperate and that made me seem weird and off-putting to potential partners. Honestly it took recognizing my mental issues, getting serious about finding a solution to them, and working on them for a while before I was able to act like a normal human around someone I was attracted to. In the end what worked for me was a combination of Buddhist meditation and some kind of therapy. But everyone is different. YMMV.
On the other hand maybe you are perfectly comfortable in yourself, are handsome and charming, and have no trouble talking with women, but you just met some women with issues of their own. If so, just try to get out more and meet more people. In that case it’s a numbers game and eventually you’ll find the right one.
It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.
I hate dating app culture… but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.
For me the apps just ain’t worth it so I got rid of them. There’s a whole sense of commodification abiut that that’s just awful and I find I’m happier without them.
That’s dating in general for most folks, apps or not. It takes a lot of time and investment and risk.
Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.
No wait
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
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You might ask a good friend, who is married or has a GF, if his partner might have a friend who might be interested. That’s how I met my wife. Bonus is we were able to talk at a bbq at the friend’s place.
Dating apps are garbage these days but I am an indoor person. Tinder can be viable for real relationships. I met my girlfriend on there and we’re a perfect match. I had in my profile that I was a gamer and played Overwatch and within 10 minutes of chatting we were playing online and in voice chat. She messaged me first. Now we’re spending most nights and weekends together. Unfortunately what I did was pay the stupid troll toll that Tinder takes to have unlimited swipes and then just swipe right on literally everyone. Women tend to be more choosy on online dating than men, and having both parties have to choose each other is just another layer of shit to get through before having a conversation. It’s shitty but that’s how modern dating apps operate. The apps of 10 years ago were so much better than this shitty instagram picture first RNG powered gacha game bullshit we have today but you can still find truly amazing relationships with them.
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Yeah, if you’re an atheist in the rural south, you’re not gonna have a good time.
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May I ask how old you are? And what do you mean by a real relationship?
It is harder for guys especially when young. Most of my girl kids found guys on Tinder/Hinge, the boys met their girlfriends and wives more organically, out in the world.
But as an older person, I think that it’s better not to have a relationship goal, certainly not at first. If you have friends who are girls, they have friends who are girls. Hang out and see where it goes without expectations or goals. Maybe you hit it off with one of them but in any event you talk with girls, and get more comfortable.
Woman here. I met my husband on IRC, on a channel about BeOS, 24 years ago. So don’t knock the internet or the bar as potential ways to find someone. If you’re meant to be together, it can happen anywhere.
This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:
https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0
It’s pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.
It’s completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just “dont be creepy”™
Well, Tinder doesn’t has the best reputation. Not to shit on the users. Everyone I met through Tinder was super nice and I had a great time during those dates. But the App itself tries to drive you crazy and throw money at it. I don’t know where you’re from, but I’m sure there is a better alternative.
The best advice I can give is: Focus on yourself. Treat yourself good. Learn to love yourself. Then put yourself out there (maybe in one of those pesky bars?) and voilà! You start meeting new people. I cannot stress enough how attractive contentment can be. No one wants a sad lump.
