I mean like awareness that, just under the surface, there are deep explorations waiting for the right time and place to emerge; things you’ve set aside or placed on the back burner but will tackle eventually/many you already have tackled.
Are you deeply self aware of these interests like some kind of list? If so, are these interests deeply connected in your mind to your past explorations and interests like some kind of road map or branching tree structure of thought?
I mean, probably Linux at some point. I’ve dipped my toes in as a complete novice, but I expect I’ll take the full dive eventually.
Linux has been fun this year! Mint works awesome! I feel so dirty having to log into Windows for work.
Okay, this is going to sound really odd given the interest focus, but my personal identity.
I spent years knowing I wanted to explore myself more, feeling like there was something missing from myself, but kept shoving it aside. I had work to focus on, relationships, I’d have time to figure it out when things calm down.
Kinda just turned out I didn’t have the time I thought. Those feelings were waiting to burst out, and now I’m struggling to keep my head above my own waters.
For less introspective, the drums. Always had an interest in music, I’m semi-decent on a piano, but drums have always been this thing to me. Just never really had the space to feel like it was worth investing in a kit. They’re loud, kinda big, they’re probably going to sound awful while I’m learning.
It’s been a background “hey, this is neat” for most of my life, but recently I’ve found a deeper drive to get to where I can start.
What do you mean specifically when you say you want to explore yourself more? What would that entail?
That’s more meant my gender and how I express it. I’ve done drag in the past, mainly for things like Rocky Horror, and it felt really comfortable. I always let it set to the side, there were other things going on and what I felt was probably just the magic of the stage. But its ate at me, quietly, rarely feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Over about the last two years I’ve went on a fairly deep dive into myself. Started with talking to my partner, telling them about what I was feeling, what pronouns I felt fit, and we went from there. I’ve bought dresses, skirts, feminine tops. Dived more into taking care of my skin, my hair, my nails. Things that, while I never would disparage another for, felt like lines I couldn’t cross due to my perception of what it meant for me to be a man.
I’ve found that I love these things, alongside more typical “masculine” stuff, and as I’ve accepted that I love these things, that they are a part of me, I’ve realized they’ve always been there. That they have always been a part of this want to feel like my true, healthy self, just below the surface. That there’s more underneath, I just need to let myself reach down to it.
But where I am right now, it’s people online, my spouse, and a few close friends who know. It’s not safe for me, in multiple ways, to really get to step outside, interact with the world with my true face. I want to know what that feels like. To know what it feels like to tell someone new “You can call me Rose”. To see what new things come to the surface when I can fully embrace who I am, outside and in.
That’s fair, and I’m glad you’re in a part of the world that allows you to express yourself freely.
If being on the stage, dressing different, or playing the drums is something you want to go at, I’d say do it. You won’t know it until you’re in it. There will be some aspects you like, and some you won’t. What you perceive and what actually is, are often different.
I’ve always found that the things I excel at, are the things I’m genuinely interested in. And when I follow those paths for a while, they all have similar lessons. It’s like an all rivers lead to the ocean kinda thing.
Counter intuitively though, I also feel more liberated when I’m disciplined about getting little goals done on those paths. When I follow my exact, in the moment emotions, it usually leads me to addiction and forms of laziness. Just gotta push through the bullshit for a bit lol. “Beauty stems from pain” sort of fits with what I’m saying here. Might not be the same for everyone though, but for the past few years I’ve been excited to get out of bed lol.
Anyways, listen to your heart and you’ll feel full. Good luck!
I kinda do, yeah. But I’m not sure if I’m referring to the same kind of thing as you.
I really want to:
- Do standup comedy
- Make and play music
- Publish some sci fi books
Trouble is, any time I start to engage in any of this work, it feels so good that it scares me. I don’t know what it is, but I’m unable to do things I truly, deeply enjoy without getting freaked out and overwhelmed.
Stuff I kinda like but mostly just feel like an idiot doing, like smoking pot, playing video games, and dicking around here, I can do all day.
What about it makes you freaked out or overwhelmed?
I’m not sure. I think it might be horror or grief, for all the years I didn’t do these things, didn’t let myself feel or even be aware of the existence of feelings that good.
Kinda like a “leaving home” feeling, like I’m going through some door I can’t come back through.
Just trying to put words to it. Not really sure where it comes from. Just cried as I wrote this, and again I’m unsure why.
I think it’s that I really appreciate your asking
cars to paint to engines to electronics hardware programming to cycling to fab/maker junk and other chains of interests
I took a deep dive into cars when I was about to start driving. I wanted something unique. That lead me to car mod culture. Some random magazine article claimed paint was the one thing most hotrodders saw as the impossible dark art in the hobby. So that is the first thing I learned, and owned a body shop… twice as little more than a dumb kid. I got into airbrush, graphics, and prototyping composites with fiberglass over clay too.
Eventually, I worked in machine shops even spending a short while porting heads and intakes for nostalgia dragsters, and built several motors. I knew carburetors really well, but put off learning electronics on a deeper level. When I had the misfortune of breaking my neck on a bicycle ride to work, (because what use is a supercharged motor in a car with a fat guy that can’t modify his own inner engine), I started playing with electronics. I had no idea how complicated that dive would really be.
Since then I have gotten deeper and deeper with Arduino, KiCAD, breadboard computers, Forth, Micropython, and etching PCBs. There are many aspects that I want to expand within these, but there are deep dives that are completely outside but related. Eventually I will dive into radio, and FPGAs.
I have similar chains of interests in cooking, astronomy, CAD design, CFD, self hosting, welding/metalworking/machining, and cycling, although the last one is limited. I know eventually I will dive into metal casting, ceramics, and will likely get a sewing machine and learn that too.
This all feels natural to me in structured thought and interests, and I am only scratching the surface. Looking around at others I grew up with, I thought we were all being a bit cagey or private about our interests for whatever reason, but I am starting to think I assumed wrong, and maybe I’m the odd one here. Not that I’m special or unique, more that I grew up within the social isolation of a conservative religious cult like group where there is no value placed on curiosity. So I lack a frame of reference. So, am I the odd one?
This all feels natural to me in structured thought and interests, and I am only scratching the surface. Looking around at others I grew up with, I thought we were all being a bit cagey or private about our interests for whatever reason, but I am starting to think I assumed wrong, and maybe I’m the odd one here.
Are you asking if you’re the odd one for having interests this varied or deep, or are you asking if you’re the odd one for being cagey or private about your interests?
If the former, no you’re not odd at all. If the latter, I wouldn’t use the word odd specifically but most people probably aren’t cagey/private regarding their interests by default. I was also raised around people who had a distinct lack of curiosity, due to what sounds like similar reasons. It is a bit hard to learn as an adult how to share enthusiasm for something with other adults, especially when coming from that kind of upbringing though. I guess it just self-selects for friendships with people that really share your passions though?
Reverse Engineering Software.
It’s been on my bucket lists for ages, but I never found the time. I’ve stuck my thumb into numerous tech pies, but I’ve never finished a crack me. I’ve done binary patching to skip bunches of code to call other code, but that’s not quite the same.
Metal casting.
I have some steel and aluminum cans and a 3-D Printer. I’m good at blender, FreeCAD, and tweaking prints, but I haven’t setup a foundry to make some solid metal parts. Yet. But I’m pretty sure I want to.
Warhammer miniature painting is a hobby I intend to pick up when I retire in 20 years.
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What makes a synthesizer organic?
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Sorta related, I’ve made a conscious decision not to get into programming. I know myself, I couldn’t possibly dabble. If I cracked open that box, I would deep dive so hard that it would consume my life, I would have no self control. That’s not the kind of life I want to live. I try actively not to learn too much about the inner workings of software when I use it, for fear of falling down the rabbit hole.
What do you do for a living/what are you into that isn’t super deep in some way? What field did you rabbit hole into in the past that makes you go, “never again”, now?
I’m just an extremely logic/math-oriented person. Analytically improving systems is my passion. It’s a trait I can apply quite well to pretty much any aspect of my professional and personal life, but because it’s only a part of the picture I can find a nice plateau before I go overboard.
Programming is basically pure, distilled analytical system improvement. If I started, I’d get caught in a recursive, branching spiral of logical structures to tinker with. There’s too much to do, it’s too powerful, it fits together too well, and it’s too logical. It looks like heroin to me
Oh yeah. Music is one of em. Never learnt how to read sheets or much of anything about music theory. I mean, I only just learnt how time signatures work. I play the guitar sort of okay, and have a decent ear. But everything I’ve learnt has been by feel, and I really want to properly learn theory. I want to know how the circle of fifths works, how polyrythms work, etc. like, I have a feeling of how they work but I couldn’t really talk about it at length and I’d have a hard time figuring out why a section of a song sounded interesting. I dropped that desire some years ago, but with every new artist I discover I’m trying to break down how the music works in my head and often come up short.
Carpentry is another. Ever since I started playing guitar I wanted to build my own guitar from scratch. Then I took some industrial design classes in college and it cemented my interest in it. During lockdown I bought some tools but got distracted with other fleeting interests. Once I have enough space for a workshop, I’ll get on that.
Lastly, storywriting. Whatever I write, it feels like it’d be at home in a technical manual. Regardless of what language I write in, it feels stilted and sterile. I’ve been working on this one lately though. I’m DM’ing a campaign with a ton of homebrew and wrote and designed a 70 pages long handbook for my players. The ones that took the time to read it really liked the flavour and worldbuilding I did, so, progress.
Edit: forgot one, mead, and spirits in general. Made one batch years ago, with apple juice, cinnamon, and cloves. It was good after about 2 years. I still have a 2L bottle in my closet. At this point I think I should just bin it. For a time a friend and I were talking about making large batches of it and selling it on the DL as party drinks. Pineapple mead, mango mead, etc.
Wait are you me? Just replace guitar with piano, although I still would love to learn music well and carpentry and how to write. The things I would do if I was retired, or just didn’t have to work as much or commute as far…
Not in any way, no. Our brains can’t predict what we will be interested in or good at.
But we do have predispositions. If you are able to focus intently on things, or are creative, or are more athletic, which are reflected in neuronal connectivity, you might be more interested in more detail-oriented or creative or athletic hobbies.
I think what OP means is, are potential rabbit holes that we have noticed but not explored yet.
Like maybe you’ve baked a sourdough bread once and felt that it could be fun to ‘learn some more’ about that at some time.
More like, I made sourdough and thought I wonder what this looks like under the microscope and how bacteria can be isolated and cultured to make unique flavors in a practical DIY at-home context. Then putting that idea on a mental back burner to find yourself actually pursuing the idea a decade later when you encounter a great deal on a microscope.
I don’t keep a list, I just get interested in various things and feel compelled to learn more/get better at it.
