I mean like awareness that, just under the surface, there are deep explorations waiting for the right time and place to emerge; things you’ve set aside or placed on the back burner but will tackle eventually/many you already have tackled.
Are you deeply self aware of these interests like some kind of list? If so, are these interests deeply connected in your mind to your past explorations and interests like some kind of road map or branching tree structure of thought?
I kinda do, yeah. But I’m not sure if I’m referring to the same kind of thing as you.
I really want to:
Trouble is, any time I start to engage in any of this work, it feels so good that it scares me. I don’t know what it is, but I’m unable to do things I truly, deeply enjoy without getting freaked out and overwhelmed.
Stuff I kinda like but mostly just feel like an idiot doing, like smoking pot, playing video games, and dicking around here, I can do all day.
What about it makes you freaked out or overwhelmed?
I’m not sure. I think it might be horror or grief, for all the years I didn’t do these things, didn’t let myself feel or even be aware of the existence of feelings that good.
Kinda like a “leaving home” feeling, like I’m going through some door I can’t come back through.
Just trying to put words to it. Not really sure where it comes from. Just cried as I wrote this, and again I’m unsure why.
I think it’s that I really appreciate your asking