Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
It’s worth noting that the stigma is very much a cultural thing. There are cultures where it’s very normal for the kids to stay with the parents, even after they get married, with multiple generations under one roof.
You should 100% do what makes you and your family happy. If things change, you can make changes.
yeah my parents would be pretty upset if I left them unless demanded by job or something
The stigma also doesn’t even correlate with any current numbers. The expectation to move out at a young age is the strongest in the USA where more young adults up to their early 30s are living with their parents than young Europeans do for example. I guess it‘s a remnant from the urban sprawl boom and the general mindset still needs some time to adapt to the current reality.
With how high housing prices are I’m starting to wonder if the whole stigma was dreamed up by real estate companies to increase demand. Wouldn’t be the first time a whole cultural norm was created for profit.
The idea of being “too old to live with parents” is a pretty recent phenomenon.
Multi-generational households were the standard for centuries. There’s a benefit, I think, for having parents, grandparents, and children in the house.
The children have the opportunity to learn from the grandparents.
The grandparents have the opportunity to help the parents by caring for the children.
The parents have the opportunity to assist the grandparents.
That being said, you couldn’t PAY me to live with my mother. ;)
It became important in North America at the same time that individual home ownership increased and the way things are going both things won’t even have lasted 100 years.
So its optimistic? :3
The main quesiton is what you want long term. If you want to eventually move in with a romantic partner, I would advice you to get used to independent living beforehand. Having to cook for and clean up after a partner who never learned to live without mommy and daddy is a huge turn-off for most people and can sour a relationship very fast. I would ask you these questions:
Do you cook dinner for the household at least every week?
Do you clean the kitchen yourself after cooking?
Do you do the grocery shopping for the household?
Do you often tidy up the pots and pans after meals (not just your own plates and cutlery)?
Are you the one who takes a walk around the house putting away stray plates, glasses & clothes and tidying up? Do you do this at least once a day?
When something breaks, are you often the one who repairs or replaces it?
Is it typically tidier & neater when your parents are away than when they are home?
If you want to live with a romantic partner in the future, and the answer to any of these is no, I suggest you have a long hard think about whether you’re preparing for the life you want, or just staying where it’s comfortable.
This is the key!
There is nothing inherently in living with your parents until any age I would say. As long as you learn how to be a self sufficient and independent individual, who shares the responsibility of the household.
My partner was like this till his 30s, and I was a bit jealous having been kicked out at 18. He was able to buy a house( with an admittedly amazing APR) with the money he was able to put away with this method. While he didn’t pay rent he helped around the house, and was a near-guaranteed dog sitter. I think that as long as the situation works for everyone it’s a great leg up. If someone has a judge-y attitude towards it they’re probably jealous haha.
Your parents (likely) had better opportunities to get that house than you do now. Give yourself some grace, just make sure you’re helping out where you can :)
Pay them some rent.
When you do finally move out you’ll need to be used to putting that out. If your relationship with them is as good as you say it is they might tuck it away for you.
I think it’s dumb that society stigmatizes living with your parents at all. It’s a great way to strengthen family ties, saves money, and you can keep an eye on older generations.
My family is psycho, so I moved as far as possible, but I envy people that can take advantage of those benefits.
If your household is fine with it, and you are fine with it, stay home. I’m living with my mum til she dies because there’s no other way I’m getting a house without a life of debt, might as well stay home and save money.
I don’t think there is truly such a thing as too old. I would still live at home if I could I think, I like having people I care about around. That being said, it’s more a question of if it works for your family and you. If they are cool with it and you are in a position where you’re comfortable I don’t see an issue. maybe talk to them about it.
This pressure is solely a North American thing. They don’t push kids out in Europe. They have a very connected family dynamic. The only time adult kids go out on their own is if they need the space for bigger fam or need to move far for work. Otherwise fam are entirely happy to stick together. If anything parents want the kids to stay to help as they grow older and they aren’t alone. Sort of a switch over in responsibility later. But this is considering a healthy family dynamic. Not an abusive one. Abusive families still run away.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
I’m living with a with a relative who I get along fine with and I’ve already done the ‘leave the nest’ thing.
I don’t have more life style growth to learn how to survive independently as I have the career I want and making the money I want. I can easily move out and get a place if that is what I need to do. I’ve done it before.
I’m back with fam because living alone is expensive for all of us. But we also really enjoy each others company. If anything it’s more that we live with each other for both of our benefit. Not just me living with them for my own benefit.
It’s worth noting that, by and large, American culture makes it a pretty stifling experience for most people to stay at home as an adult. There are a lot of nuances that create this dynamic.
There’s also the undeniable frequency at which these parent/children relationships turn toxic that I think other cultures ignore. I have a first generation Korean friend in his mid-twenties who left the country because, despite how unhealthy his home environment is with his parents is, the social pressure to stay is incredibly high.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
It’s a part of American rugged individualism
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugged_individualism
I really wish we had a culture that promoted healthier family dynamics and that staying at home longer was more common as a result. Maybe then I’d still have family and a safety net.
Feels like the living with parents shame is part of the new deal propaganda that led to highways and suburbs. There’s a poster from that time that says something like “owning a home makes you a real american”. If renting makes you “not a real american” than idk what living with your parents makes you.
When they are dead seems like a good upper limit
That’s my take on it as well.
living with other family members should never be taboo unless those family members are dysfunctional and bringing you down.
But I would draw the line when any family member becomes a corpse, stop living with them.
In Greece it’s common for children to stay with their parents past 30. Your conflict is a cultural one.
My advice is to not worry about it and not feel ashamed. There are plenty of reasons to live with one’s parents, especially these days with the high cost of living. I’m sure your peers understand this.
In fact, the money you save on living expenses can potentially be used to buy yourself a home in the future, instead of perpetually paying rent like the rest of us.
This changes a lot from place to place. So take into account that what I’m going to say comes from someone in Latin America.
I think that “moving out” boils down to three questions:
- Do you fight often with your parents?
- Are you being leeched, or a leech yourself?
- Does it prevent you from doing what you want to do?
If the answer for all those three things is a clear “no”, then there’s no reason to move out.
Freedom is not a theoretical matter, but a practical one; it’s not being prevented from doing what you want. In certain cases you might be less free by moving out.
I’d put it this way: how much pressure do you personally feel to strike out on your own? I don’t mean how much pressure people might be putting on you - I mean how much of you wants to GTFO?
I left home at 19, against my parent’s wishes - but that’s because I was going stark crazy at home, and needed to get out into the world and knocked around a bit. If you don’t feel that kind of pressure, and your family is amenable to the situation, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Make sure you’re not a burden by contributing and helping out where you can, but there’s no shame in living with your parents as an adult, particularly these days.
Correction: There is no shame in living with your parents as an adult - emphasis on the adult part. You contribute what’s necessary, you take care of what you need to take care of, etc. There is shame in being an overgrown manchild, where mommy and daddy are the ones taking care of you (when that reasonably shouldn’t be the case - folks with disabilities, etc. don’t fall into this group). It sounds like you fall in the former category, so you’re good IMO.
40-year-old, home-owning, father here. I didn’t move out of my parent’s house until I was in my early twenties. Even then, I only did it because I wanted training in a specific field and would have to move to pursue it (the area I moved to was also where my then girlfriend, now wife, lived).
I preface all that to point out that, even in the mid 2000’s, a lot of the societal pressure for kids to move out was starting to fade away. The shitty apartment I rented for $600 in 2008 is now going for $1,200. Decent apartments are going for $2,000 and most houses in the area are over $200,000 for a fixer-upper.
I do not look down on anyone for making the best financial decision they can given our impossible financial situations. The American dream of owning a home and two cars in suburbia is all but dead. The only reason my wife and could afford a house is because my father in law sold his house (that he bought for his mother) at 80% of what he thought the value was (which was way lower than its actual value).
For what it’s worth, I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. There is no shame in living with your dad, essentially as a roommate, it seems. I do agree with some others in that you should definitely use this time to save as much money as you can to potentially buy a home later.
If you’re dating and looking for someone to “settle down with” this might be a deal breaker. On the other hand your situation is becoming more common. Regardless of how you feel I hope you are socking away some money. If you do want to own your own home, housing prices are cyclical (at least in the US). Be ready to pounce when the bubble bursts. Having 20% or more for a down payment can save you a lot of money. That’s pretty generous of your parents to not make you pay rent.
