I still have to live with my vicious manipulative abusive ex for now until I can safely escape financially/logistically, and while we are very much NOT together, that’s not an appealing situation for a potential date and I get that. I would also not want someone to feel like they had to help me get out, or like I was monkey branching into a new relationship, which is what my ex had done to me, which I didn’t find out for some time, because that felt really bad for me when I found out, and while I don’t think my ex deserves any considerate behaviour after the way he’s treated me, I wouldn’t feel good about myself for doing it.

It also feels really crappy to be middle aged and start all over with this, have to weed out the ones who aren’t suitable, make an effort about the whole thing, and have to navigate a physical relationship with someone new, or find someone that shares my values.

Also sneaking around my ex would be potentially explosive.

Not going to lie though, having someone that makes me feel loved, tingly, excited, etc, and isn’t a damnable monster would really be nice.