I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can’t stay on my current trajectory. It’s already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I’m tired of dating on hard mode. I’m worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who’s been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I’m really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
What I believe excessive porn use has done to me is that sex has become uninteresting even when it’s available, and I also have physical problems performing when I “force” myself to it. These bad experiences then further reinforce my negative associations with sex, which in turn makes me even less interested in trying the next time. I don’t feel that “mundane arousal” throughout the day - I don’t even know what it means to be horny without physical stimulation. I’ve always felt this way, but it has gotten worse over time (I’m in my mid-thirties now). I can’t know for sure whether it’s all due to porn or if porn just makes it worse, since my porn use preceded my first sexual experiences with another person. If it’s something I was born with, then there’s simply no fixing it even if I cut out porn entirely, but since I can’t know that, I don’t see any other way forward than to try and change the things I can change and see if there’s any improvement.
And I just want to highlight that when I say excessive porn use, I really mean it. I can literally waste 8 to 12 hours on it and then do the same again the next day. Even if I watched porn for an hour every single day it would still be a massive improvement (but I’m intending to do better than that).
Yeah I think I can relate (late 30s). Once in a while everyone wakes up in the shower questioning wtf they are doing, right? Since you are free to do whatever but that doesn’t make you happy do you have an answers as to why that is? I had a similar but different situation and if I break it down for me it is: no interest in improving who I am because I can just keep going on games, weed and porn. At some point I realized how much time i waste with games, and that broke like a core thing that I used to enjoy. And with porn it is similar. I can see that masturbating 1-2h before starting the day adds up to a lot. Getting out of that took time and if you’ve come to this point I think you are on a good way if you keep working on it. For me part of the solution that I was holding back because I thought my partner wouldn’t be comfortable if I’d be more open about what I’d be willing to try. And that’s fine. But made me miserable for years. Like ‘I don’t hear music in my head anymore’, which is fixed now but was broken for a shockingly long time.
What made the change? I saw an ad for ‘locktober’, and thought ‘for someone not into chastity you sure have an awful lot of uncomfortable cheap cages. Yet you never considered this challenge’. Can I allow myself to do something considered humiliating and dumb, but for ‘fun’? I guess probably maybe. I started to say yes to more things that are good but uncomfortable for me. Like going to the gym. I almost died on the treadmill but very good level of hurt 5/5 👍. I try to use less social media and dgaf about news because I’m not being paid to keep up with all this bullshit. I mostly play chess on my phone these days to kill time. I have one active hobby that’s fuelling my adhd right now(pottery). I fail often and I don’t know for how long I can keep this up.
And now that I’ve written this up I see that it’s a couple of small changes and not just me thinking ‘I can do locktober easy, I’ll start tomorrow’.
I wish you all the best and that you can figure out something drives you. Seeing a therapist certainly accelerated my process and I would recommend it if you’ve never tried it. Just saying
Did you actually go for locktober in the literal sense of the term or is that just what sparked the idea?
I often thought that if my partner had been more into femdom we could’ve easily turned this challenge into play. Like I said, I’m really good at coming up with excuses for myself when things are up to me but I’m equally good at keeping my promises to other people. I would’ve gladly handed the key in both figurative and literal sense to someone else and have them decide for me. It’s too late now unfortunelately but I’m not sure if it would’ve worked on the long run either way. While the source of the issue with our sex life was undoubtly me there’s no denying that an overall sexual incompatibility played a role as well. It’s not easy to be a dominant looking guy who aint one. I can only hope I have better luck with the next one.
I guess I’m training for it. But yeah seeing a listing on fetlife and playing it through my head and then telling my partner that I’ll fuck around and find out. Learning how to communicate and talk about thoughts/needs/wants takes time and is not something that people casually talk about. Which is why so many people are forever unhappy. I think there’s a small redemption bonus in relationships for at least trying to make an effort to not make the situation actively worse ;)
My favorite work on the subject: https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/02/hes_just_not_that_into_anyone.html
That’s a really good article