I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that “gay” men (men who didn’t conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the “conform or fucking die” model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can’t meet anyone because I’m frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can’t function this way. I’m not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can’t be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I’m too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we’re talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it’s not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I’m wierder than most, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt.
First, the fact you are reaching out, even like this, is a good start. Don’t let the urge die if you can keep it up.
As for next steps, find your people. Is there someone out there who you see ‘speaking truth?’ Do they have a community? Find it. (People on here can help to a certain extent if you are willing to share, which I know can be a bit scary online)
What about your other interests? Do you game? There are communities for that. (Famously there are a lot of femboy gamer communities. They aren’t going to hate you for being gender-non-conforming.) There are streamer/youtuber communities. (Check out Phedran, a cool gal with a chill comm. No hate for gender-non-conformers there.) Do you like a particular fandom? Same. Drum circles, writing/reading groups, secular action groups, (you like caring for people? Try volunteering. There’s a ‘Food Not Bombs’ chapter in all the urban centers of Ohio. Even if you only go once a weekbecause of the long drive, you might find your people.) philosophy study groups (special mention: Quarantine Collective, very inclusive but not in a ‘repeat the party slogans’ way) and who knows what else. Do something you love and do it with people.
Is there a local queer community where you are? (coffee shop, bar, whatever) Even if you aren’t gay, you don’t have to take on any particular identity to socialize. The community is usually very welcoming of those who aren’t locked into the old fashioned gender norms, and at the least, aren’t likely to hate you for that kind of BS reason.
You have options. Keep the momentum going and grab one.