Well, as the title says, I’m facing an issue that I’m not sure how to improve.
My partner does not enjoy any sort of clitoris stimulation, I tried everything from rough to gentle, from fingers to tongue, with lube and without. It seems that she truly does not enjoy it in anyway.
She does enjoy penetration very much and I put all of my efforts there, but I feel like I can’t get her to an orgasm/higher pleasure and while she is satisfied right now I fear that over time she wont be.
So my question is what else can I do? There are some other pleasure areas that we use such as ears, emotional connection, fantasies, dirty talk, etc.
Maybe something I haven’t tried on the clitoris? Maybe something else that can take it to the next level? Maybe something that she can do? Maybe just accept that this is okay? Again, she does enjoy herself a lot and is completely satisfied as far as I know, but as I’m her first I think that she is missing out on a level of pleasure that I can’t figure how to help her achieve without the clitoris.
ETA: she does not masturbate, so no guidance or hidden methods on her part.
Try other areas of her body (e.g. neck, ear, nipple), try full body massage beforehand, her mental state as well as yours will definitely play a role, and there are certain rhythms and grip techniques if penetration is the only positive sensation for her. Also maybe she would be more turned on by switching roles more where you were on the receiving end. Have fun, good luck!
Most of what you suggested is already in practice :)
What do you mean by griping techniques?
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Thanks, I do do that and she does enjoy it but it never went past what I already described
Talk to your partner about it
I did, she doesn’t have the experience to know what do to and she isn’t against me looking into it, but she is okay as things are right now.
If she is okay with things you should leave it alone, lest you put pressure on her to orgasm which is like, one of the least sexy things I can think of.
You can enjoy sex without orgasming. Sometimes my partner or I will opt for strap sex even though it is harder for both of us to orgasm because it feels nice/scratches a different itch. If she wanted to orgasm during sex she’d probably start masturbating to make it easier to do.
Of course I would not pressure her, I’m just looking to see if there is something that I didn’t think of
Hello. I might be of a similar build as your partner. And here is the key question: Is she able to pleasure HERSELF via clitoris YES or NO?
Personally my answer for this is yes, but so far I’ve never met anyone who could do this for me without some heavy guidance. I would absolutely NOT enjoy my clit rubbed roughly or gently, with fingers or tongue, with or without lube. Thinking about it alone makes me wince. The clit you see is always like the tip of the iceberg, there is a very sensitive part poking but there is a much larger nerve network underneath. Most people seem to find pleasurable working with the tip of the iceberg alone, and that’s what you seem to have described. But some prefer working with what’s surrounding it, and it is still technically clitoral stimulation so that’s what my question is about.
If she tells you the only way she’s ever going to orgasm is by penetration, then leave it at that.
If instead she says yes she can but that it is too difficult to explain/guide someone else to do it, then I can give you a few pointers to start exploring. Everyone is different so I can’t guarantee what works for me also works in your case though, but it’s worth a shot. It took me a while to figure out how my own body worked and I can understand someone just opting to skip the hassle of having to teach another person how to do this especially when getting it wrong can get painful/ kill the mood/ lower their or your confidence/ end in an argument etc.
She does not masturbate, so no guidance there.
It would be super helpful if you can share! It seems that she does not orgasm from anything we have done so far, she is enjoing it and has no complaints, but as I’m her first I think she is missing out on something that she doesn’t even know she is missing.
I am aware if the clitoris actually being this big organ that we only see the tip of, but I have never heard of any way to specifically stimulate it without the tip, just that certain positions, movements, etc, can help.
Yeah I’ve had a look at the other replies and I’m sorry you don’t have this knowledge. I gather she is possibly young and you are her first guy, so take it easy.
So I’ll tell you a few things that work for me but bear in mind if she really isn’t sensitive this is going to be a waste of time.
One thing to keep in mind is that touching yourself doesn’t feel the same as being touched. Try to tickle your own armpits. You’re going to have to put some effort into it to feel the tickles, and you probably won’t flinch. Now compare that to someone else tickling you. Different sensation and reaction, right?
Something similar happens with other parts as well. I usually prefer massaging right next to the clitoris, and my own fingers in that area are just fine. Someone else’s though, are not. Things feel either a bit painful or numb and it’s just annoying.
To get around this, some indirect stimulation is good. One thing that works is covering the clit with the labia majora. Once it’s protected and buried there, the other person can massage vigorously or gnaw and it’s pleasant, for me at least. Now flesh is different in everyone so this may not be an option for some people.
You can also try a vibrator and keep a good distance from the clitoris (this may change depending on the toy used) but don’t think you need to use it closely. I’d suggest applying pressure with it against her body and keep it at least 10 cm away from the clitoris, then gauge if it needs to be moved.
Finally, lordosis! Some positions may be more pleasant than others. For me it’s always doggy since I find the more I arch my back and lift my butt up, the better it feels around the general area of the clitoris. I’ve found women who agree with me in this, those who strongly disagree and those that shrug so again, YMMV.
I hope some of this helps, good luck there.
Thank you! This is really educational and I’ll try it out!
I appreciate your openness 🙏
Is it that she doesn’t like the sensation or she just can’t cum? It may be too “intense” so you can try stimulating near the clit with a vibrator instead of directly on.
Try G spot simulation- use a couple of fingers in a “come hither” motion inside. Maybe try that after having piv sex as she may be more turned on. Be communicative together.
Try other erogenous zones like nipples and neck simultaneously as clitoral stimulation and/or g spot.
Use toys in all configurations.
It seems that her clitoris is more like a regilar sensitive area with no pleasure option. What I mean is that it is still a sensitive are (less then other people IME) but absolutely nothing about it, no matter the mood, foreplay, or stimulation is pleasurable for her, at best it’s tolerable.
Hm. Sounds like something to bring up to a doctor actually. If she’s comfortable and willing. She could have a birth defect or could have had surgery in the area that could have damaged nerves, or she was injured and damaged nerves.
The clitoris is larger than what you see and it might be able to be stimulated from elsewhere if it isn’t injured.
In the meantime try for the g spot and vibrators everywhere until you maybe find something that works.
But yeah, worth mentioning to a doctor.
A doctor is probably not an option unless something serious happens, but thank you for the concern and suggestions 🙏
It’s interesting because I have always that way too. Nothing is wrong to my knowledge…it’s just the way I am. Do you think she might be on the asexual spectrum?
I don’t think she is, her sex drive is actually kind of high and she has sexual fantasies, initiates often, etc
What does she do when she is doing herself? And is she getting orgasm that way, and is she getting it with you in any way?
If she can do direct clitoral stimulation for herself, it’s possible you are just too rough, a lot of guys are. But also possible that she’s just wired so that direct contact is unpleasant.
It’s hard to recommend without more information but I would suggest a tight angle face to face, that she might be able to sort of grind on you while fucking, to get some vulva stimulation and the inside feeling, that might push her over. Also maybe try playing with her boobs while she’s on top.
Mostly I think you are on the right track with the mental angle - engaging the mind, find out what she thinks about and use that, give up your ideas about every woman being wired the same.
And Do Not Push her. Really listen to what she wants.
Thanks, she does not masturbate, so no knowledge source there.
I’ll try that position you suggested, sounds very intimate as well.
And I am kind of at a last ditch effort here, I of course accept her as she is, I just want to see if there is something I can do to help her orgasm before I give up on the prospect for now. She is very satisfied with our sex life (so as I) but I really think she might be missing out since she never had an orgasm and so she can’t really know what she is missing out on.
Hmm, yes if she does not masturbate I honestly think she might just not be that much into the physical pleasure, you may have to just take what you can get - even though you would be frustrated, she may not be. It’s hard for me to imagine, too! But if she enjoys the closeness and seeing you get off, your expectations may be getting in the way.
Even if she gets frustrated, she will probably have to figure out herself what works. It’s really good she is not faking, don’t push her to the point she feels like that’s the answer.
ETA: tight angle with her legs up if she is flexible, or kind of sideways so one of your legs is against her vulva (look up coital alignment technique) those positions with some amount of outside contact like that are very intense dual stimulation, and if you are yourself angled upward the tight angle with legs up will also hit those front areas inside where the nerves from the clitoris run upward.
Don’t worry, I would never push her and we are both happy, I am also not frustrated with the situation, just wondering if there is something else I can try
Anecdotal, and not a woman personally, but I’ve had a similar experience from days long gone; ultimately we ended up trying out different toys and the sucking sort of vibrator with lower settings was what got her past the “block”, but it was via masturbation. We’d only move it to our together time after she got comfortable with the sensation and desensitized, as she described it. In our part of the world the main brand name for this kind of toy was “satisfyer”, not sure if that is global though.
After a while it all just clicked and it became something more familiar to me too, with fingers and tongue (though she did still prefer sucking over licking, which for me as a young man back then was new, but very much a priceless enlightenment and a much appreciated skill I later had time to hone more) ultimately joining in and it all becoming something more familiar to my less experienced younger self.
What I’ve learnt since though, is that everyone is so wildly different, that just simply masturbating together, or learning to, if the other party/parties aren’t experienced there, has been key to lasting mutual satisfaction. And people and their needs/wants change over time, that’s also important to keep in mind. And masturbation is the thing that naturally reflects that. Just talk, talk, talk, and then experiment. Try and keep an open mind, and try to be accommodating. Change and new things take time. Try your best not to get frustrated or load too much expectations into the process. And try and understand the other party/parties are the ones having a harder time coming to terms with the fact that they could not meet your initial expectations. They have a lot of pressure due to this, though it’ll ultimately be mutually beneficial.
Also I’ve noted that it’s so easy to fall prey to thinking that you’re the one giving or somehow “improving” their life here, but this is, in fact, your need that needs to get satisfied. You want her to feel things she does not currently. It’s not a bad thing, this is how life is when you share it with someone, but do not think you are being the giving party here. This is your need, which she either chooses to accommodate and figure out together, or not. And you might best start accepting that this experiment might not lead anywhere, and that you might have to change your expectations accordingly.
I agree that this is my desire and that I might to abandon it, but I want to explore any options first as I really do think that she is missing out.
I think that masturbation is important, but that is off the table as of right now for her aince she is uncomfortable with it.
As far as clitoral stimulation, I tried touching, licking, sucking, blowing on it, and more, all in varying degrees of force from gentle to rough. She never enjoys it and at best doesn’t care for it and usually just really doesn’t like the sensation.
Not a woman but a good question to think about is can she orgasm through masturbation? If so ask her to explain and/or show you and incorporate it into your play time
Not applicable as she does not masturbate
Very fascinating. I assume it’s a topic that has already been explored but if not it could be illuminating to do so.
Other recommendation is to explore gspot stimulation with fingers/toys and anal stimulation if she is into it.
Ultimately though don’t worry too much about this if she says she is satisfied. But the lack of clitoral stimulation could require some medical investigation. Something like her hormones could be off.
Thank you!
How are you in the same boat as me?
We boarded together?
Mayhaps
Finds rare woman who can orgasm from only penetration without any clitoral stimulation.
Complains.
Bro just enjoy the sex and make sure to communicate. Leave the clit alone if it doesnt work.
All women are different and their pleasure parts work (or in some cases, dont work) in different ways.
But she doesn’t…
She is satisfied, but I can tell that she does not reach an orgasm no matter what we do.
It may be more on her than on you. I can have trouble orgasming during sex, but it is largely because I don’t relax correctly in the moment. Too many thoughts about performing in my head combined with muscles that are too tensed.
Therapy has helped a lot more than any technique. If she wants to work on this for herself, maybe she should try it. If this is just your insecurity showing, you should probably drop it and help her finish off with toys.
I don’t think it’s either.
She is very into the moment and I don’t think she is tense or has a hard time being in the moment.
I’m also not insecure and would have been happy if masturbation was doing it for her.
The issue is that I think she is missing out on orgasming because she never experienced it and while she is satisfied with our sex life, I want to see if I can help her experience an orgasm.
Have you considered a sex therapist? Sometimes they are better at hearing clues as to what the problem is since they have experience talking to a lot of couples.
It doesn’t have to be the kind you get naked in front of either, just an intimacy therapist that you can both safely describe your experiences to.
Probably not as long as we are both happy, at the end of the day both of us are satisfied and happy. I’m just trying to figure out if I can get her to a point of higher pleasure/orgasm, since she never had that and I think she is missing out on it.
