I’ll never forget the time I convinced myself that I was gay. I was eight or nine, maybe younger, and I stumbled upon a broadcast by some fire-and-brimstone preacher. The man spoke about the evils of homosexuals, how they had infiltrated our society, and how they were all destined for hell absent some serious repenting. At the time, the only thing I knew about gay men was that they preferred men to women. This described me perfectly: I disliked girls, and my best friend in the world was my buddy Bill. Oh no, I’m going to hell."
He addressed his feelings with his grandmother (affectionately known as “Mamaw”) who answered him in curiously salty language, considering she was speaking to a child.
“Don’t be a fucking idiot, how would you know that you’re gay?” she asked him.
When Vance explained his reasoning, she laughed.
“JD, do you want to suck dicks?” she said, according to the book.
The young Vance, apparently “flabbergasted,” said: “Of course not!”
“Then you’re not gay. And even if you did want to suck dicks, that would be okay,” she replied. “God would still love you.”
This is not like the couch-fucking thing. This really is in Hillbilly Elegy.
“Then you’re not gay. And even if you did want to suck dicks, that would be okay,” she replied. “God would still love you.”
Based Mamaw lmao, how did Vance turn out so…wrong lol
Not as based as you think.
That’s evangelical for, “God loves you no matter what, but I won’t.”
No wonder he’s so fucking weird.
But the couch fucking is in the book too, right?
I don’t want to believe you, but I’m not about to read that book to find out.
Yeah, I didn’t think he was gay until he, unprovoked, felt the need to assert that he’s not gay. 🤔
Exactly. The last time I felt it necessary to clarify my sexuality, it was because some girl asked me if I would be good to take with her for clothes shopping. I replied that “while I am actually an excellent shopping companion, because I will find stuff that looks great on you, that you overlooked, to answer the question you very pointedly didn’t ask, no I’m not gay.”
The look on her face was, as MasterCard says, priceless. She was shocked that I knew what she was asking, and that I wasn’t at all offended. I think it was all the theater, choir, and swim team in high school, but I have pinged people’s gaydar since middle school, and I couldn’t care less, now that I’m big enough that they don’t bully me physically for it.
“I’m straight as an arrow. In fact I like to go to Hooters for lunch with my man Lindsay. Right, Lindsay? Mr. Graham likes the thick ladies, but I like them thin… Right, Lindsay!!! Tell 'em how much we like the ladies!”
I am not gay by a GOP means they are flamingly gay.
Methinks the JD doth protest too much.
So he’s a heavily closeted Republican bigot who’s secretly hyper-gay and hates himself for it? Cool, I guess.
“I really need you to understand that while I am mugging you, I don’t enjoy onions. I think it’s very important you don’t judge me as someone who could enjoy onions. Now hand over the damn wallet or I kill your wife”
You know, for a guy that literally only got where he is because he can convince people that a pile of shit with a sheet over it is clean, he’s really bad at convincing everyone he’s straight.
he’s really bad at convincing everyone he’s straight.
I mean, it’s no “Josh Hawley kissing his wife” levels of bad.
“Goddammit, Brad, you better have gotten that on camera ‘cause I’m not doin’ it a second time. You are dismissed, woman.”
oh my god he looks like he’s gonna throw up. kinda explains his skippy skip on jan6
In the immortal words of Connor4Real
I’m not gay, but if I was, I would want equal rights I’m not gay, but if I were, I would marry who I like […] I’m not gay, I’m not gay I’m not, not, not, not, n-n-n-not gay I’m not gay
This has the most legendary cameo at the end for the punchline.
Never Stop Never Stopping is super underrated. Can’t believe it’s already 8 years old.
Yeah that movie is amazing and deserves way more love and praises.
Has he not come out yet?
I thought he was Furnituregender
Until reading this article…
I have never really had the desire or the need to prove I was not gay to anyone. Ok well maybe my wife but that’s it.
Your wife still thinks you’re gay?
I think she’s still on the fence… 😜
No homo, GOP friends
Does anybody actually think Vance is gay - or more to the point, does anybody GAF?
I simply don’t believe that in today’s lexicon that gay covers a person that is sexually attracted to couches, hence he’s not gay.
But no, I really don’t give a crap what he has sex with, only that he’s a weird little asshole that’s dangerously close to power.
I’m curious who he thinks is willing to have sex with him regardless of gender.
Some people will fuck anything lol
I don’t have strong feelings either way, but his eye liner is a little too on point for a straight guy.
To paraphrase an old pope joke: you know Vance isn’t gay cuz he’s wearing that Klan robe with those shoes.
Fuck Vance and he might be closeted what with all the other things as well.
I just disagree with the implication that straight people can’t play around with gender.
