I’ve got five words for you: Punk. Rock. Pro. Wrestling. Musical.

I’m not bald!

My high school men’s chorus did an amazing a capella version of this.

Combined with the acoustics of the waiting area for the Maelstrom at EPCOT it sounded awesome.

But then the staff said we weren’t allowed to sing anymore.

I was implying that the owner might have broken it even more when attempting the repair, making it take even longer.

Mostly because my washer started leaking and I’m probably going to break it more, too

This assumes that the owner hasn’t already attempted to repair it themselves

I can’t listen to Tim Minchin’s “White Wine in the Sun” because I’ll bawl like a baby

It’s a parabola because the rest of the ellipse is in the ground.

I don’t press hard. If my ass is wet the TP shreds.

Maybe I’m using inferior paper products.

Without water I can press a lot harder.

Once the toilet paper gets wet it shreds like, well, wet toilet paper

They’ll have his head for this

Needs a blinking star GIF background and a MIDI file of the TOS theme

Our experiences are diametrically opposed

Which brings me back to the problem of TP lint on a wet ass

If my arm was constantly covered by two layers of fabric this comic might have a point.

Also, just using a bidet is like washing your car just by hosing it off. Sometimes you need a good scrub.

Also, the appropriate thing to do would be to use soap and water.

You know you’re clean when there’s no poo on the paper.

Corporations are also centrally planned economies where you’re expected to sacrifice yourself for the good of the whole.

Sometimes when I have a particularly heinous dookie I’ll get in the shower afterwards, and I make sure I’m clean by actually wiping my hand across it to see if there’s still poo.

My back and head usually don’t have poo on them. If I had something grimy like that on my head or back I’d want to have a wipe or a mirror to make sure there’s none left.

I don’t have a problem with lint unless I have to shit while my ass is wet.