The fact I’ll die alone without ever feeling the love of a woman besides my mother and without a child saddens me. So, as kind of a consolation, I want to know… How does it feel? Being in love and being together, the sex part, just living together and all that…
I wrote this originally for the other thread but it was deleted.
To start with, it’s clear that your self-esteem is very low, and you’ve internalised an intense criticism of yourself. If you can access one, please speak to a professional, licenced, therapist.
They will be able to help you build a staircase out, but it will take time. Please try and resist the snake oil salesmen who offer quick solutions, which are designed to fail to keep you coming back.
To answer the question, at 13 I had developed a crush on a girl in my class, and I was not chill about it. To be clear, I didn’t do anything bad, but it was intense and with 20 years of hindsight she didn’t deserve it. I’d always be staring at her, I’d try to sit near her, I’d set really really obvious MSN status messages about her. During a particularly dark patch I literally carved her name in to my arm with a compass. Throughout all of it she was nothing but kind, and consistent. She didn’t love me. She avoided being around me as much as possible to not give any hint there might be something. She never mocked or teased me.
There were two girls I knew who would speak to me. They were in relationships with two of my close friends, and were “safe” from possibly becoming the focus of my affection, but also kinda stuck with me because not spending breaktimes in school with your bf would be a scandal of the highest order.
Over the next 4 years we’d have various conversations, and they’d try and help me realise that what I was doing towards my crush, a) scared off a lot of people, and b) made it very clear to girls who may have had a crush on me (which I refused to believe was possible because I was destined to die cold and alone) that I wasn’t interested in anyone else.
So by the time I was 17 I had basically alienated myself from all the other girls in school and convinced myself that all my worst thoughts about myself were true, because, well, yeah, obviously.
Then two things changed.
First was that I finally accepted that whatever other reasons there were for my situation, my behaviour was making it worse, and that I could at least stop doing that. It wouldn’t solve everything, obviously, but it would allow things to be a tiny bit better. I needed to chill the fuck out, and let go of this obsession with my crush.
And the other was that, because by this point these two girls were my friends, not just my friend’s gfs, the idea of just speaking normally to women wasn’t scary. Flirting was still terrifying, but some switch flipped in my mind from women being only something to attract and sleep with, like some sort of conquest, to being people just like me who are perfectly happy to just talk about stuff, just like my guy friends. Because I really valued their friendship, I realised that it made me happier than whatever the fuck I was doing to myself about my crush.
So by being more chill, I’d be less sad, and by just being friends with people I liked, I’d be happier. Win win.
After a few months of being a bit more chill, and focusing instead on just being a person who it was nice to talk to and be around (yknow, not constantly trying to look down someone’s top) I was at a tiny local gig of maybe 30 people that my friend’s band was playing at. One of the girls in the group I was with had spotted a girl we didn’t know, was our age, but didn’t go to our school. She was enjoying the our friend’s set, but seemed to be on her own. She introduced herself to this girl and asked if she wanted to hang out with us, that the band were our friends and that I (because I did a bunch of computer stuff for them, like burning cds, storing recordings, etc) could give her a free CD and can probably answer any questions she may have.
This meant we got talking, we had a good evening, at the end of the gig I asked her for her email/msn so I could add her to the newsletter for gig announcements, and that I’d be happy to send her new songs. She gives me it. While I think she’s beautiful, I have no intention to use it for anything else. That would be the actions of a creepy mf, and I was chill now. She’s just a person who happens to like a band I’m involved with, nothing more.
Over the next, I dunno, 6 months or so, we go from talking occasionally to every day. She introduced me to Ghibli anime, which gave us even more to talk about.
I end up talking about her all the time to my friends, male and female. They all encourage me to ask her out. I quite literally have a panic attack. I’m terrified that by asking her she will hate me and I’ll lose a really close friend, by being a creepy twat like before. I bitch for weeks about how it’s bullshit that men are meant to make the first move, and one of my female friends finally snaps and says something like “you just said you were up until 3am talking to her about what porn you both like and that she’d really like to try X/Y/Z out, but doesn’t have anyone to do it with. How can you not see that she’s super in to you?!”
I finally pluck up courage to ask her out on a date, just a meal in town, she immediately accepts. I have a panic attack in the restaurant, I am sick multiple times. It was by all accounts a terrible, terrible, date. I think I spent more like talking to the toilet than her.
She suggests we go for a walk around instead. Which we do. I spend the rest of the evening hoping that we’ll find a corner shop that is open so I can get some gum, but we don’t find any. We wander around town, getting physically closer with each passing bench, she tucks her self in under my arm “because it’s cold” (in June?!). When she has to get her bus home, I can tell she wants me to kiss her. I cannot kiss her, our first kiss, fuck, my first kiss ever, with whatever remnants of stale sick are on my breath. She may be down, I am not.
I give her a big hug and peck on the cheek, say I had a great evening, panic attack aside, and please call me when you get home so I know you’re safe.
An hour or so later the phone rings, and we end up again talking in to the early morning, as things get increasingly explicit.
The next week I ask her if she wants to be my gf. She immediately accepts. I invite her to the friend-who-told-me-she-was-in-to-me’s 18th birthday party in town. Probably half of our class have been invited, including many of the girls I’d alienated myself from. This time I eat very little to make sure there is nothing to puke up should I have another panic attack, and get some gum. She arrives after me, and my friend would later claim “how did HelloThere get a girlfriend?” was something people spoke to her more about than her actual birthday.
Later, I walked her to her bus, and this time we did kiss. It was similateously the most under, and over, whelming experience of my life to that point. Physically it was pleasant - we both knew that she was my first kiss, and that I wasn’t hers - so the fact that I didn’t immediately smash my teeth in to hers was a win. But emotionally it was a rollercoaster. I don’t want to suggest that from that point on I was some sort of Cassanova, because I am not at all, but the amount of validation I felt in those 15 seconds or so was immense. This was the proof that this person I thought was incredible actually did like me. Why? No idea, I’m literal human garbage, but she thinks I’m not! Holy fuck! Or she’s in to garbage. Either way, yay!
Over the next 4 months or so we tick off the rest of the firsts, and gave our virginities to each other.
You asked specifically about sex. Losing my virginity was one of the least enjoyable sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life. But I’ll cherish it forever. Emotionally, like the kiss, it was everything all at once.
We broke up after about 18 months. I’d moved away and gone to university, and had moved on. While I was the one who broke up with her, the aftermath I handled terribly and was just a prick. I left horrible voicemails and would later drunk text non-apologies - she ultimately blocked my number, Facebook, everything. And she was right to.
After a few months I had calmed down and got better at regulating my emotions, and eventually I went to therapy and got help with abandonment and esteem issues.
Many, many, years and 3 more failed relationships on, I’m 9 years in to a very stable long term relationship with someone I absolutely adore. My single goal is to not repeat the same mistakes as before, and we tackle everything as a team. If we’re feeling uneasy we speak to each other and help each other. I’m so proud of what we have built together. She is the smartest, most empathetic and kindest person I know. I count myself so lucky that she is my best friend, a willing big spoon, and I get to play with her boobies. It’s incredible.
But it all started with me accepting a sliver of responsibility for myself, that I had a small ability to make things better, and if I did then maybe others would respond positively to it, and want to be around me.
Sorry to say it, since it was a very elaborate story but that doesn’t work for me because.
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I’m not American, all those things you experienced are movie stereotypes to me.
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I’m old as fuck, to get a woman NOW I should be successful, charming and with a decent job. I’m not a kid, cinema and pop corn won’t cut it.
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More on 2, my situation won’t change at all, my character traits are set on stone and well defined by now. I’m not desirable. And I will always do a mediocre job under minimal wage.
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I have 0 friends. But that doesn’t really bother me. But I’m well aware women want someone socially active.
I am not American, I’m British.
The purpose of my story was to try and explain how I didn’t go from being a social pariah (and thus, undateable) to a loving relationship in one step, it took years and thousands of steps.
The hard truth is that you are right that your current self isn’t ready for a relationship. But, as shown by asking the question in the first place, a part of you wants that to change, and by your other answers, a different part of you doesn’t want that change.
Let’s take another scenario. You could do a marathon. You may run it, you may walk it, you may roll in a wheelchair, but you could do it…eventually. Today, you can’t. But today you may be able to run/walk/roll 1km. And tomorrow, or the day after, maybe 1.1km. And next week, maybe 1.2.
Eventually, if you manage to keep at it, you will, one day, be able to do something that today you cannot.
But wanting to is the first step, and a bit of you does want to.
So, step one, if you truly have no friends, are there people you like at work? What are your interests? Do you have a hobby?
I’m unemployed. I despised my abusive job. Hated everyone. Videogames, hate everything else/failed.
I don’t believe you hate everything.
What is the last film you saw you enjoyed? Or song, or book?
Believe that. Trust me.
I like music but I don’t see the point. Bought a guitar and did nothing with it.
Liking music means you don’t hate everything.
What bands, or artists do you like?
Nu metal? Only the 2000s most mainstream ones.
People may not be as shallow as you think they are.
I don’t think they’re shallow for wishing that. If I didn’t had memories of my current life I would switch my personality to that, ignorance is a bliss.
I meant for thinking the only thing a partner would find attractive is money, youth, or social status. A lot of people just want someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie with them or tag along to chat while walking a dog.
That’s not true in my world
You live in the same world as us, it’s as much true where you live as it is where we live.
Humans, fundamentally, want companionship.
How old is old as fuck? Success and charm is part of the equation to expand the possible pool, yes, but why not do anything about that? If you like your job, then you should have some confidence in what you do, that eliminates the need for a big salary, to a certain degree.
Your character should never be set in stone. If you are at that point, then it’s time to roll up your sleeves and learn a new skill, pick up a different hobby or do something other than your daily routine. Recently I’ve started reading books and listening to podcasts about a whole bunch of different things because I was tired of being stuck. You might toss away some ideas and others will excite you and keep you progressing.
If you have the opportunity to go to a gym or get any other form of exercise, please allow yourself to do it. Your mental and physical health are one and united. It’s hard to eat real, unprocessed food on a budget, but maybe you can afford a meal each weekend that you take your time to prepare and really enjoy both making and eating?
Friendship is a real important factor to everyone, and I’m sorry you lack close friends. Friendship is more important than courtship. If you can shift focus to finding new, close friends that might open up a new mindset and other options down the road.
Dude I’m unemployed and I despised my job. I’m not going to go to a fucking gym ever again, especially now.
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Dude, consider getting therapy. You need to learn to love yourself first
Ok no. I’m fucking tired of hearing that one. That’s so bullshit. My father never loved himself and yet managed to get my mom and impregnate her twice, plus a 11 years marriage
No, learning to love yourself first is not a prerequisite for finding love or happiness. But it sure makes it a hell of a lot easier to know what’s best for you.
Do consider therapy if you have a way of procuring it, I know it’s expensive, or the next best thing in my opinion is to go and grab a notebook from the dollar store and just start writing your thoughts down. It’s going back and reading those thoughts that really helps with self actualization and reflection, imo.
I wish you luck, OP, you deserve happiness and I believe you can find it, but you have to be patient with yourself and other people. Becoming vulnerable to others, although risky, really helps expedite the process.
This is your primary issue right here. You value yourself so little that the only value in life you see is in being in a relationship. Or to put it another way, you only see value in yourself when you think others value you. Which means, as others have alluded to and very much not coincidentally, that you will not be successful in a relationship. If you can’t accept and love yourself for who you are, others will inevitably have a hard time doing so as well.
Given your responses thus far you won’t take this well because you are convinced you know better. And that is your secondary issue.To answer your question: It’s over-rated and not all it’s cracked up to be. It has benefits but so does being single.
But if you want to experience, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Grow up and learn to value you for who you are or nobody else will.
I don’t shut you don’t only because you finally answered the question. I still call bullshit on your first paragraph.
I will never love myself, does that means I earned my loneliness? Don’t you realize how fucked up that sounds?
I will never love myself, does that means I earned my loneliness?
It means you deserve loneliness. Because you didn’t take responsibility for doing the one MOST BASIC thing, which is to love yourself and believe in yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect or 100% (in fact better not!) but you do have to be able to see the good in yourself such that you can have confidence others will see it too.
Instead you blame others for it and feel sorry for yourself. You don’t even seem to realize that it’s this fact and your lack of responsibility toward yourself that is the reason others may find it hard to love you.
You and only you are responsible for that. Fix that and you fill not be lonely. Nobody wants to be around someone like that.
No. I won’t change shit.
No. I won’t change shit.
I know. Because you are so insecure that you need to be lonely and unloved. You need to be the victim.
Victim by ass.
Amputee’s have climbed Everest, doesn’t mean its the easiest way to
I could go on like everyone else and try to make you understand that you absolutely have many more chances for love and that you, like everyone, deserve love. However, it seems like that’s just not an answer you’re willing to accept.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy: if you tell yourself you suck or that you’re awful or that there’s no way you can ever deserve love, then you yourself will make it happen, whether consciously or subconsciously. You can say you’re like this or that and that no one wants this or that but that’s actually verifiably false. MAYBE if there’s only 100 people in your small village then maybe there’s no one there, but there’s an entire country, an entire continent, and entire world that you just need to open yourself up to. There’s not just one person who would want to love you but so many. They just don’t know it yet.
But you know what, you’re right, fuck me and everyone else telling you this. You must be unlovable and an awful person because you say so and because everyone isn’t their own worst critic (that’s heavy sarcasm, by the way).
Seriously read some of these posts here and think about them. Don’t just read them and think the entire time “well that’s great for you but it could never be me”. Open yourself up to other perspectives and you’ll be better for it.
He won’t listen. He wants to dwell in his own self pity
You don’t really know me and how I live. Majority of what you’re saying is physically not applicable to me.
And you did not write it, not before, and not now. So it’s hard to give more insightful feedback than what everyone here already wrote.
That’s not a great way to get good information from the community.
Even if I had bet your ass people here would just still trying to analyse me like I’m a rat from an experiment instead of just answering my damn question
You’ve certainly managed to get a lot of nice people to waste a lot of time trying to be positive and give good advice here. I’m betting a decent amount that you’re a troll pretending to be an incel.
If not- you’ve spent so much time explaining why you’re a miserable sack of shit that I’m just going to believe you. No one can help you but you. If you don’t want help, fine, just stop spreading your misery around.
Is not my fault if nobody wants to answer me. They’re all just trying to be a 4 dollar psychiatrist to feel better about themselves. Notice how I didn’t said anything towards the few who actually answered the question.
I NEVER ASKED FOR ADVICE.
Wow. What a douchebag. Here people are trying to tell you that hope doesn’t have to be lost. But fuck them, right? Write off the rest of your life if you want. No skin off our noses.
People here either lying to me or avoiding the answer. And I’m the douche? Not only that, you’re not insulting me, jackass.
Yes. You. You can’t honestly have zero self awareness. Or maybe here we’re figuring out your problem.
Incorrect
Kinda boring. I don’t think about it. We look after each other with love and spend probably too much time together because we enjoy each other’s company. But it’s not the incredible harlequin drama you might think.
I want to give an honest answer here. I am in a relationship of 10 years and there are a couple points worth making upfront. Sex doesn’t make a relationship - not everyone feels this way but you can have a loving relationship without it. Children are not something I’ve ever personally wanted so I can’t attest to that. That being said, being in a relationship is overall good for me. It has made me do things and go places that my introverted self would have never done or gone to in the first place.
More importantly than any of that, don’t give up hope that you’ll find someone. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be this year, but if you keep believing that you’ll be alone indefinitely then you might just manifest it. I can’t exactly give tips on how to meet people - being an introvert and out of the dating pool for so long means any direct experience is not very relevant, but I can say try to meet new people and see who you jive with. I think relationships are probably easiest to foster through shared experiences and meaningful connections, so if you can find a group of people that share a common hobby/passion, that might be a good place to start.
Well, it has its ups and downs… I’m in the process of getting a divorce and my youngest son is soon to be a year old.
For me it’s been a learning process and I don’t have any regrets, not even with the situation I’m in right now. We know each other well, and it has been good for almost 10 years, but it’s time to find something that makes me happy. I’ve neglected a big part of myself for the past years, but it’s a choice I’ve made to be able to have two great children and a partner to share things with. We are just not compatible as a husband and wife any more.
The children aspect brings me more joy than anything else I’ve experienced, but that’s probably a personal trait and not for everyone. To watch them grow and become goof machines is a big part of why my life has never been better.
10/10 would recommend both, but they are a ton of work, a source to misery and failure, but that’s a part of the experience.
I was in a total of one relationship that can universally be agreed upon to be a relationship, but I could not tell you how it felt back then (well technically I could) because I severely took it for granted and the only two things I could remember from how it felt was that it was a bubbly young love type of relationship and I thought we went well together. We were hinging on ending it and happened to have left closure ambiguous before he was hospitalized which leaves me wondering if it’s still a thing. Sometimes he remembers it that way and says it is, sometimes he doesn’t.
In the dance of life’s sweet song, Do what makes your heart beat strong. Chase the moments, find your glee, Let your spirit wander free.
Smile more often, bright and wide, In the little joys, confide. Love yourself just as you are, You’re a shining, splendid star.
Confidence in self you’ll find, Brings a peace of heart and mind. Then one day, when least you see, Love will come, a sweet surprise to be.
With your mate, those joys will grow, Every smile, a brighter glow. Tiny treasures, once so small, Now with them, you cherish all.
Hand in hand, your hearts will soar, Love yourself and them even more. Life’s a tale of joy and cheer, Happily ever after, year by year.
Credits to chat gpt ☝️
As an answer to your question OP - Once I met my mate, I felt bad for treating myself so badly all those years before it.
