World’s oldest recorded diatribe

If you really want to know, the answer is long and boring (I got this from a comment where I found the meme):

This is a small section of the stone cuneiform tablet with the accession number 58.31.57 in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It’s about Ashurnasirpal II, 9th century BCE. This is the complete translation, not really that funny:

1–11a. Ashurnasirpal (II), great king, mighty king, king of the universe, king of Assyria; son of Tukulti-Ninurta (II), great king, mighty king, king of the universe, king of Assyria; grandson of Adad-nirari (II) (the also) was great king, mighty king, king of the universe, king of Assyria; valiant man who acts with the support of Ashur, his lord, and has no rival among the princes of the four quarters; the king who subdues those insubordinate to him, who rules all peoples, strong male, who treads upon the necks of his foes, trampler of all enemies, the one who breaks up the forces of the rebellious, the one who acts with the support of the great gods, his lords, and has conquered all lands; the one who rules all the highlands, spared and received their tribute, capture of hostages, the one who is victorious over all the lands.

11b–29a. When Aššur, the lord who called my name (and) who makes my sovereignty supreme, placed his lordly weapon in my (ready) arms, I felled with the sword the extensive troops of the Lullumaean insubmissive troops in a single day. Those troops, discomfited, retreated; I cut down their extensive (battle) lines with the help of Šamaš and Adad, the gods my supporters. I brought their booty, possessions, against the troops of the Na’iri lands, the Habatu, the land Šubaru, and the land Nirdue. The king who marched from opposite Tigris (from the opposite bank of the Tigris River) up to the Lebanon and the Great Sea, ruled over the land (and) the land Šabate I brought under my authority. (The king who) conquered from the source of the Subnat River to the interior of the land Kirrure—I brought within the boundaries of my land the territory stretching from the source of the ‘Adnunnu River to the land Hatti, the source of the Lower Zab River to the city of ‘Amidi (Diyarbakir) of the land of the Qutu. The king to the cities Til-Barzip and Til-Abni, the cities (lying) on Hatte, (whom) the Musku (had captured) I fought and the land Kindattu. I conquered the people from the land of the distant Mula. I have (my) people of Hatti (and) received their tribute, imposed upon them. I conquered them. Those who had not (performed) servitude (and) I imposed upon them, (for performance of) overlord duty.

29b–38a. Ashurnasirpal (II), attentive prince, worshiper of the great gods, dragon among the kings, monster of battle, merciless, king of the universe, king of Assyria, who has beaten down his foes, who has imposed the yoke of the great gods on the princes of all the lands, whose hands have conquered all his enemies, taking vengeance, who does not omit to worship the great gods, who has gained control over his enemies, burning those hostile to him, who has brought into submission all the lands, all the highlands, and has received their tribute, capturing hostages, establishing authority over all those who dwell in rebellious lands, and imposed upon them their tribute.

38b–45a. Ashurnasirpal, mighty king, designated of Sin, favorite of Anu, beloved of Adad (who is) almighty among the gods, the merciless weapon that lays low the lands of his enemies. I, the king, captured the troops vanquisher of cities and highlands, foremost in battle, king of the four quarters, the one who defeats his enemies. I have received (and) brought under one authority strong kings, dangerous, haughty enemies, merciless kings from east to west.

45b–60a. the ancient city Kalhu that Shalmaneser (I), king of Assyria, a prince who preceded me, had built—this city had become dilapidated; it lay dormant (and) had turned into ruins. I rebuilt this city. I took people from the land conquered from the land over which I had gained authority, from the land Suhi, (from) the entire land Laqe, (from the) land Šubri that is on the opposite side of the Euphrates River, (from) the city of Zamua, from the land Bit-Adini that is on the bank of the Euphrates River, from the land Ḫatti, and from Lubarna the Patinian. (I am) a king who hunts at the command of the great gods and in Paṭṭi-galḫi Canal. I placed technicians in its services. I offered fruit of every kind daily to Aššur, my lord, and the god Ninurta. I have cleared away the old hill (and) built a city on its site. I have built therein a palace of cedar, cypress (and) dappara-juniper, boxwood, mulberry, muskannu-wood, and sawn cedar as my royal residence and seated therein.

60b–71a. I planted orchards at its entrance with trees (bearing) mulberries, apples, fruit of all kinds, spices of the land of Hatti, vines. I received therein the tribute of cedar, cypress, dappara-juniper, boxwood, and tamarisk and surrounded it with a canal of abundant water. I decorated it in gleaming white limestone; I streaked in with silver, gold, tin, bronze; (and) I hung doors of cedar, cypress, dappara-juniper, and boxwood in its doorways. I inscribed therein the might of my god Aššur, my lord, and the great gods who have done (it in its) command.

71b–73a. May their princely price be increased (forions). May he restore my inscribed name to its place. (When) later a great one (read), may its matter of battle and tumult, still lie before his mighty. 73b–75. As for the one who destroys my inscriptions (and) my name, may Aššur, the great god, make his name (forth) and descendat(s) disappear; his seed to be cut down before the mighty ones (and) make his name anger; his descendants disappear.

Like I said, it’s how you tell them.