Not to brag but I’m a pretty confident person in my social circle. I’m funny, make people laugh etc. etc.
Basically, I am adored by everybody.
But there is something that I noticed about myself lately. Regularly people come up to me to chat and sometimes they compliment me. Now, complimenting isn’t a bad thing, obviously. But I just don’t feel anything when I receive them.
However I enjoy it when people talk good things about me when I’m not present. I, again, don’t feel anything when people talk shit about me when I’m not present. BUT I really enjoy it when people straight up come at me and say something bad at me. My mood increases and I spend the rest of my day happier.
Is this some kind of a defense/coping mechanism that I have unintentionally developed? I don’t see anything bad about this.
It’s also worthy to say that I spent the majority of my life isolated up until a few years ago. No compliments at all but nobody to say bad things either. Is this why I fail to appreciate compliments?
Do you suffer from past traumatic experiences? I was abused as a child, and as a result I constantly avoid attention. As an adult, I still walk barefoot on the balls of my feet and close doors quietly to avoid being noticed around the house. Getting complimented by anyone is difficult for me. Getting complimented by a stranger is paralyzing.
Because your parents/caregivers didn’t compliment you
Look into attachment theory for more info
deleted by creator
Some people are saying lack of compliments as a child, some are saying neglect.
I personally feel similarly much of the time. My parents would compliment me or tell me they are proud but usually just my mother and usually after my sibling did something and we are talking about how proud my mom is of them, like she forgot about me and “oh yeah I’m proud of you too, you do stuff too probably. You weirdo.”
My dad was emotionally detached and made jokes I could never get because I was a kid without the background knowledge to understand what the joke was. I’m not my mom’s favorite and that was always pretty clear. As I’ve grown up I’ve realized my mom’s favorite might be herself first, as she often makes many things about her, or changes topics to be about her.
I’m so accustomed to hearing things I can do better that those seem more comfortable to me. I know what to focus on and how I can try and improve. Or, someone just doesn’t like me or wants to complain and there isn’t anything I can do, I’m just there in their way of existing.
Generally with compliments I’ll say “thanks” or “thank you” but I’m more comfortable with critical feedback I can use to better myself in some way.
I don’t know your background, I can’t say why you feel the way you do. But you aren’t alone in feeling that way, ‘normal’ or not. If it causes you anxiety or other discomfort for extended periods of time I would suggest trying to work that out with someone, even just a diary if possible to get your thoughts down.
From my own past and trauma, in my personal experience it’s because my parents, family, ex friends/ partners that whenever they complimented me it’s always because it’s not true but instead they used it to manipulate me into doing something.
So whenever someone compliments me my brain automatically suspects there trying to harm me, even if I know that’s not rational.
While I did not go through any kind of things that you have, though I did meet a few people who tried to use my own abilities against me in order to feel above me, sometimes I do suspect if the compliments I’m getting are genuine or not. I just toss those kind of thoughts away immediately. Most of the time it doesn’t even come to suspecting the compliments. I disregard them.
Now, complimenting isn’t a bad thing, obviously. But I just don’t feel anything when I receive them.
One can question whether complimenting is not a bad thing. Praising can create a non horizontal emotional dependency.
I feel like you might be onto it. If you actually care too much what other people are thinking of you, but are unhappy with yourself for how dependent that makes you (and maybe trying to deny or ignore it), then the direct experience of these compliments would be net negative. When people say bad things, your desire for emotional independence and your immediate urge to hold the comment at a distance are not in conflict, so there’s no problem.
Right. I didn’t to write too much in my initial comment here, but a search engine search with “do not rebuke or praise” should show more on this. I got this idea from a book I read. I have the paper book here, and in that chapter the old guy gives an example of praise, and asks how the young guy feels about it. The young guy answers that he find it feeling unpleasant cause “one is being talked down to”.
I find myself still in the habit of going for praise rather than just showing gratitude but I am more aware that praising can create this non horizontal structure where the person praising is kind of unintentionally sharing their world view as authoritative towards the other person and with that decreases freedom and horizontal relationships.
That’s interesting, I don’t usually think of gratitude as an alternative to praise, but I’m going to try to keep that in mind in the future. I definitely have felt that I come across as insincere or condescending at times when I give praise and it makes me very self-conscious to give or receive it, but gratitude is just more enjoyable for both parties.
You suck, weirdo.
Seriously though, I think it’s only a coping mechanism if you have an actual issue with it. Were you neglected during your isolation?
I wonder if it has to do with the specific traits they are commenting on. Do you value being different? Maybe compliments make you feel like you’re fitting in and insults tell you that you’re your own person.
Anyway, fuck you, have a nice day asshole :)
I thought I was the only one who’s like this.
Now I think I’m the only one in my country who’s like this.
Despite my overall independent nature I find the thought of someone out there being just like me comforting.
Same.
There is practically zero actual benefit to anyone from people complimenting one another. Perhaps you are made nervous by the waste of energy when we could be working 24/7 to build our AI overlords.
Of course! Who doesn’t want an AI overlord looming over us all the time? Even the thought excites…
First of, compliments are flattery, watch out they are trying to manipulate you !
Second, they are simply mistaken if they knew the truth they wouldn’t say that.
Third, they at least have poor taste and judgement if they thing I’m good or have done sonething good
Fourth, I cannot respect someone who would compliment me, they must be a huge loser with no friends to think that.
If you suffer this reasonning, I am sorry to say but there is an evil demon living inside your soul. You must catch it and send it back to hell for your sake and the sake of everyone tgat loves. Yes, they exist.
