I didn’t really have words for it then like I might now with the benefit of hindsight and outside observation…back then I just eventually recognized that it wasn’t making me feel good to participate, more drained and yet I had the need to continue.

Imagine a school social scene. Imagine those youthful desires to express yourself, the need to be recognized as a person and feel seen and maybe even appreciated by those around you. Maybe you decorated your notebooks or locker or dressed “weird” for expression, maybe you tried to enter different cliques and make friends, even shallow false ones for clout. Maybe you suffered under the school bully who always put you down. Maybe you were the bully, looking down on others to elevate yourself.

Now scale that up to what might appear to be the countless billions connected to the web. Now the whole world could be your friend, but also your enemy. You are now a mere speck in a sea of others begging for that same recognition. You post something, and an artificial number goes up to declare your success, but you need it to go higher, reach farther. That same number is also a testament to your failure to matter to literally thousands or millions of people instead of at most a couple hundred you could meet in school and town. You could lose hope, fall into depression that you are worthless, or try ever harder, ever edgier, ever more extreme to try and matter. In addition to your own image, you can also try to put others down, bully them and attempt to decrease their visibility, their reach, so it doesn’t eclipse yours. Just like they’ve been doing to you.

I was too meek to be the bully or the bitch, so my social media experience was trying to go beyond my means and post things that I thought would matter and get seen, while usually being beaten down by those who were not afraid to be assholes about my very existence. And always feeling that I hadn’t reached enough, accomplished enough. That I wasn’t “winning”. Made a whole MySpace page with all the cool widgets just to see a visitor counter(barely) go up. Tried to post my thoughts to a young Facebook and Twitter just to be told I should kill myself, if it reached anyone.

Kids and teens have enough trouble keeping stable in an environment where they have to work with 50-100 people a day at worst…and now they feel the need to catch the eye of millions. The struggle and burden on their mental state scales with it.

And this is before we start a discussion on today’s prevalence of malicious intent, pedophiles and abusers you can’t just walk away from and ignore, if you even recognize the threat. And before we weigh in on the corporations with their own nefarious exploitation of whatever makes more engagement and therefore money.

I’m older now and I can see this all for what it is and navigate around it to meet my needs without falling for it anymore, I don’t care at my age about the likes or upvotes aside from maintaining enough to get into the communities that set a bar to prevent spam. That’s all I need it for, so there’s an achievable goal now instead of an enduring need for ever more that kids have.