Big sigh. Every time this topic comes up, the same kind of questions come up. Usually there’s a lot of ignorance and some malice, and it’s kind of tiring. But, most people are probably talking in good faith , even if they’re firing from the hip.
First off, not all non monogamous relationship types are the same. Swinging tends to just be about the meat. Open relationships often are hierarchical and have some people as secondary “fun but not serious”, and often have one “primary” relationship. Polyamory and relationship anarchy tend to be less about hierarchy. But also sometimes people will use the same word and mean different things.
Common questions and responses
“This sounds exhausting”
Cool. So does rock climbing and marathon running. Don’t do it if you’re not interested.
“I don’t have time for that”
Cool. I also don’t have time for some things , so I don’t do them. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to post on a topic about baseball that watching all those games takes up too much of my day.
“It’s just cheating”
No. Cheating is when you break the agreed upon rules. If your rules say “you can fuck other people” and then you fuck other people, you have not cheated.
“It’s just dating. I dated a few people before I met my spouse.”
Not really. It’s common for people to go on multiple dates before they go exclusive. In those cases it’s typical for the emotional connection to be more shallow. You’re just getting to know someone.
With some forms of non monogamy, people can form meaningful emotional bonds with multiple people.
Note that a polycule doesn’t have to be a closed shape. A can date B, B can date C, but A and C can have any or no relationship to each other.
“I want an emotional connection”
Many polyamorous people form emotional connections with their partners.
“This all sounds complicated”
Many things in life are. Pathfinder is a complicated tabletop game, but you don’t have to play it. Don’t engage with it if it doesn’t sound worth the effort. You can play simpler games instead and be perfectly happy.
“I knew a couple that did this and they broke up”.
Cool. I knew a monogamous couple and they broke up.
“But they broke up because of the open relationship!”
Did they? Or were they unhappy for other reasons? Also, I knew a couple that broke up because of WoW. Does that mean WoW will doom a relationship?
“I’ve never seen one work”
I have. Also many poly people don’t talk about it with strangers. You might know people who are happily non monogamous and they just never told you.
“I can’t even find one relationship”
Yeah it’s hard out there. It’s mostly a numbers game, and location is a big factor. Don’t believe incel or manosphere mythology.
Counterintuitively, pursuing non monogamy for me meant fewer dates. It’s a smaller pool of candidates.
“I’m too jealous for this”
Thank you for sharing your character flaw. The first step towards addressing a problem is usually recognizing it.
That said, most people experience jealousy sometimes. A mark of maturity and strength is recognizing it and handling it well. Talking about how you feel insecure when your partner doesn’t text you for a few days is fine. Stalking them to see what they’re up to is not.
"What about STDs??"
Use protection. Single people dating get by. If you feel the risk is unacceptable, don’t engage in non monogamy
“What about families? Kids??”
Kids are pretty flexible. The poly familes I knew, the kids were doing great. Everyone in the polycule loved them. It was like having extra aunts and uncles, mostly.
“But what if there’s a breakup??”
When my aunt divorced Uncle Steve I was sad because Steve was cool, but my parents explained to me that sometimes relationships end. It’s not different.
“You’re being really condescending right now”
Yeah. It’s one of those eternal September / for me it was Tuesday topics for me.
“But you made me feel bad, so I’m not really reading your content”
Big sigh. Every time this topic comes up, the same kind of questions come up. Usually there’s a lot of ignorance and some malice, and it’s kind of tiring. But, most people are probably talking in good faith , even if they’re firing from the hip.
First off, not all non monogamous relationship types are the same. Swinging tends to just be about the meat. Open relationships often are hierarchical and have some people as secondary “fun but not serious”, and often have one “primary” relationship. Polyamory and relationship anarchy tend to be less about hierarchy. But also sometimes people will use the same word and mean different things.
Common questions and responses
“This sounds exhausting”
Cool. So does rock climbing and marathon running. Don’t do it if you’re not interested.
“I don’t have time for that”
Cool. I also don’t have time for some things , so I don’t do them. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to post on a topic about baseball that watching all those games takes up too much of my day.
“It’s just cheating”
No. Cheating is when you break the agreed upon rules. If your rules say “you can fuck other people” and then you fuck other people, you have not cheated.
“It’s just dating. I dated a few people before I met my spouse.”
Not really. It’s common for people to go on multiple dates before they go exclusive. In those cases it’s typical for the emotional connection to be more shallow. You’re just getting to know someone.
With some forms of non monogamy, people can form meaningful emotional bonds with multiple people.
Note that a polycule doesn’t have to be a closed shape. A can date B, B can date C, but A and C can have any or no relationship to each other.
“I want an emotional connection”
Many polyamorous people form emotional connections with their partners.
“This all sounds complicated”
Many things in life are. Pathfinder is a complicated tabletop game, but you don’t have to play it. Don’t engage with it if it doesn’t sound worth the effort. You can play simpler games instead and be perfectly happy.
“I knew a couple that did this and they broke up”.
Cool. I knew a monogamous couple and they broke up.
“But they broke up because of the open relationship!”
Did they? Or were they unhappy for other reasons? Also, I knew a couple that broke up because of WoW. Does that mean WoW will doom a relationship?
“I’ve never seen one work”
I have. Also many poly people don’t talk about it with strangers. You might know people who are happily non monogamous and they just never told you.
“I can’t even find one relationship”
Yeah it’s hard out there. It’s mostly a numbers game, and location is a big factor. Don’t believe incel or manosphere mythology.
Counterintuitively, pursuing non monogamy for me meant fewer dates. It’s a smaller pool of candidates.
“I’m too jealous for this”
Thank you for sharing your character flaw. The first step towards addressing a problem is usually recognizing it.
That said, most people experience jealousy sometimes. A mark of maturity and strength is recognizing it and handling it well. Talking about how you feel insecure when your partner doesn’t text you for a few days is fine. Stalking them to see what they’re up to is not.
"What about STDs??"
Use protection. Single people dating get by. If you feel the risk is unacceptable, don’t engage in non monogamy
“What about families? Kids??”
Kids are pretty flexible. The poly familes I knew, the kids were doing great. Everyone in the polycule loved them. It was like having extra aunts and uncles, mostly.
“But what if there’s a breakup??”
When my aunt divorced Uncle Steve I was sad because Steve was cool, but my parents explained to me that sometimes relationships end. It’s not different.
“You’re being really condescending right now”
Yeah. It’s one of those eternal September / for me it was Tuesday topics for me.
“But you made me feel bad, so I’m not really reading your content”
Yeah, that happens. Read this comic about it: https://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe
Ok, I think I got all the common ones.
YES THANK YOU
was waiting for someone to say this
I’m jealous… Of people who can find the right other partners.