IMO anon’s statement about body count was badly phrased, but it makes sense for me under limited circumstances.
For the last few decades, my opinion has held firm on a simple philosophy:
If I never ask out a woman I’m interested in, and they date guy after guy, then I have nothing to complain about. They never knew about my interest, and so they were never given the chance to accept or reject my interest. There is no way in hell that I could hold their body count against them, and I have only myself to blame for not stepping up and asking them out when I had the chance.
But if I do ask a woman out, and they clearly and immediately reject me in favour of someone else, then I am obviously not an interest for them. They have clearly and unambiguously rejected me, so what standing do I have to not believe that? You can’t get a more sure sign. If they then rack up other relationships, each and every one of those is another nail in the coffin of any potential relationship. They have made an explicit statement that I am of far less desirability than other options, and that door closes permanently, and gets barred and locked for good measure.
Because if she comes sniffing around again, then it is screamingly obvious that I am not her second-best, third-best, or even n^th best option… I am her backup-backup-backup plan that she is “settling for” because all of her better options ran out.
And at that point… thanks but no thanks. That’s a path down which I have absolutely no desire to trod, because down that path lies doubt and second-guessing that can only poison me, my mental health, and my happiness. If she had no interest in me when I asked, then I will absolutely trust her for having told me the complete truth, and I will hold that truth as unchanging, unimpeachable gospel.
Except that circumstances change. So you might feel that now, or for most people, but you don’t need to make it a vow, because who knows what the future will bring.
Except that people do a lot of growing in their late 20s and early 30s. Both parties likely changed in personalities, priorities, and experience. The man she rejected years ago is likely not the same man she is attracted to now, nor is she the same person as her priorities have likely changed during that time too.
IMO anon’s statement about body count was badly phrased, but it makes sense for me under limited circumstances.
For the last few decades, my opinion has held firm on a simple philosophy:
If I never ask out a woman I’m interested in, and they date guy after guy, then I have nothing to complain about. They never knew about my interest, and so they were never given the chance to accept or reject my interest. There is no way in hell that I could hold their body count against them, and I have only myself to blame for not stepping up and asking them out when I had the chance.
But if I do ask a woman out, and they clearly and immediately reject me in favour of someone else, then I am obviously not an interest for them. They have clearly and unambiguously rejected me, so what standing do I have to not believe that? You can’t get a more sure sign. If they then rack up other relationships, each and every one of those is another nail in the coffin of any potential relationship. They have made an explicit statement that I am of far less desirability than other options, and that door closes permanently, and gets barred and locked for good measure.
Because if she comes sniffing around again, then it is screamingly obvious that I am not her second-best, third-best, or even n^th best option… I am her backup-backup-backup plan that she is “settling for” because all of her better options ran out.
And at that point… thanks but no thanks. That’s a path down which I have absolutely no desire to trod, because down that path lies doubt and second-guessing that can only poison me, my mental health, and my happiness. If she had no interest in me when I asked, then I will absolutely trust her for having told me the complete truth, and I will hold that truth as unchanging, unimpeachable gospel.
Except that circumstances change. So you might feel that now, or for most people, but you don’t need to make it a vow, because who knows what the future will bring.
Except that people do a lot of growing in their late 20s and early 30s. Both parties likely changed in personalities, priorities, and experience. The man she rejected years ago is likely not the same man she is attracted to now, nor is she the same person as her priorities have likely changed during that time too.
…go to therapy…