“just be friends” can often be a way to euphemistically say “fuck off and leave me alone” because a girl who actually says “fuck off and leave me alone” out loud for real runs the risk of a fragile, shallow, unhinged, emotionally unstable man going berserk and MURDERING her.
Obviously nobody likes to hear this but it DOES happen–not every time but it does not need to be every time in order to factor as a risk; like how “every gun is ALWAYS loaded–ESPECIALLY a gun that is ‘Not Loaded’!”
The list of people who are murdered for refusing a romantic advance gets longer every day, and the unfortunate truth is that the majority of the victims on that list are women, and that the majority of the perpetrators on that list are men. Statistically speaking, it is simply a matter of common sense precaution to hedge the possibility of a violent reaction by offering “friendship” in the hopes that the other party will be de-escalated enough to not flip out.
That said, I have managed to maintain friendships with some of the people I’ve previously had romantic feelings for, but it took me bridging the honesty gap FOR them: actually offering them the chance to clarify; that they face no danger in being direct with me and that I both CAN and WILL in fact peacefully go fuck off forever if that’s what they actually meant. Thinking back, there’s only two ex partners who didn’t want to talk to me at all anymore after the romantic stage crashed. The fact that it’s non-zero though, that there was even ONE person who was initially lying when they offered “consolation prize friendship” (although forgivably because they were just protecting themselves), tells me all I ever needed to know.
This is a French journal about fear in women and how it affects their mobility. Whenever someone says
the risk of a fragile, shallow, unhinged, emotionally unstable man going berserk and MURDERING her.
it pops in my mind. The data they gathered suggests that women fear of violence is unrelated to actual rates of said violence happening, but is correlated to past smaller transgressions (“anticipated violence”). Long story short, if you were ever catcalled, or given a [clumsy] compliment, you’re likely to imagine (“anticipate”) out-of-proportion violence in multiple contexts.
The actual crime rate and crime gender proportion (in the US) - https://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/ - violence victims rate is 60-70% down since 1984 and since 2009 men and women are as likely to be the victim [before that men were most likely]; and the number of women perpetrators grown up. Oh, and the homicide rate by spouse is also closing the gap (although some studies suggest that the increase in women killing their husbands should be attributed to them not being dismissed as potential perpetrators by the police force)
I’m not dismissing your feelings OP, and your strategy seems very prudent, but I want to add to this discussion that it’s much much safer than you or the social media will try to paint, despite the fear you feel.
“just be friends” can often be a way to euphemistically say “fuck off and leave me alone” because a girl who actually says “fuck off and leave me alone” out loud for real runs the risk of a fragile, shallow, unhinged, emotionally unstable man going berserk and MURDERING her.
Obviously nobody likes to hear this but it DOES happen–not every time but it does not need to be every time in order to factor as a risk; like how “every gun is ALWAYS loaded–ESPECIALLY a gun that is ‘Not Loaded’!”
The list of people who are murdered for refusing a romantic advance gets longer every day, and the unfortunate truth is that the majority of the victims on that list are women, and that the majority of the perpetrators on that list are men. Statistically speaking, it is simply a matter of common sense precaution to hedge the possibility of a violent reaction by offering “friendship” in the hopes that the other party will be de-escalated enough to not flip out.
That said, I have managed to maintain friendships with some of the people I’ve previously had romantic feelings for, but it took me bridging the honesty gap FOR them: actually offering them the chance to clarify; that they face no danger in being direct with me and that I both CAN and WILL in fact peacefully go fuck off forever if that’s what they actually meant. Thinking back, there’s only two ex partners who didn’t want to talk to me at all anymore after the romantic stage crashed. The fact that it’s non-zero though, that there was even ONE person who was initially lying when they offered “consolation prize friendship” (although forgivably because they were just protecting themselves), tells me all I ever needed to know.
Disclaimer: Am not an USian but an European.
https://shs.cairn.info/revue-francaise-de-sociologie-1-2007-5-page-101?lang=en
This is a French journal about fear in women and how it affects their mobility. Whenever someone says
it pops in my mind. The data they gathered suggests that women fear of violence is unrelated to actual rates of said violence happening, but is correlated to past smaller transgressions (“anticipated violence”). Long story short, if you were ever catcalled, or given a [clumsy] compliment, you’re likely to imagine (“anticipate”) out-of-proportion violence in multiple contexts.
The actual crime rate and crime gender proportion (in the US) - https://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/ - violence victims rate is 60-70% down since 1984 and since 2009 men and women are as likely to be the victim [before that men were most likely]; and the number of women perpetrators grown up. Oh, and the homicide rate by spouse is also closing the gap (although some studies suggest that the increase in women killing their husbands should be attributed to them not being dismissed as potential perpetrators by the police force)
I’m not dismissing your feelings OP, and your strategy seems very prudent, but I want to add to this discussion that it’s much much safer than you or the social media will try to paint, despite the fear you feel.
And that you’re not more likely to be a victim of a violent crime than a man (https://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/).
Honestly thank you so much for your enlightening insights! It’ll be helpful for me to digest!
Wasn’t there a subreddit r/whenwomenrefuse
Indeed! I don’t use Reddit much anymore but I can’t un-see what I saw in there…
Welcome to a space that is a bit less misogynistic