You gotta give it biometrics. For your fingerprint, WHAT IF SOMBODY BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND SHAT ON YOUR TOILET!!!
We need to verify its you!
see there keeping you safe from those shitty bastards!!
So just uhh give us all permissions
If your wondering there will be a preroll ad for the app and every 20minutes it will turn off your lights to your bathroom. And prompt you on your cellular device “are you still shitting?”
And recommend poo docters in your local area using target ads
I wish I was kidding when I say there exist asshole recognition tech already. They’ll just attach that to your advertiser ID so their worldwide network of ‘smart toilets’ can deliver targeted ads to every stall and urinal you visit.
At first I thought that this would be a great opportunity to pit the water companies who own water meters against the smart-toilet companies who accidentally reduce water usage, eating into water company profits, but then I realised that that battle would inevitably result in them working together to make smart toilets that full flush every 30 minutes unless expressly told not to.
And you just know they’re sending copies of all your poop data to China, too, for some reason. Probably something to do with “improving targeted advertising,” but we know better.
And you need to buy a subscription or watch an ad before you can flush.
And you fecal data is shared with health insurance companies, so you can get personalized
price hikesrecommendationsYou gotta give it biometrics. For your fingerprint, WHAT IF SOMBODY BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND SHAT ON YOUR TOILET!!! We need to verify its you! see there keeping you safe from those shitty bastards!! So just uhh give us all permissions
If your wondering there will be a preroll ad for the app and every 20minutes it will turn off your lights to your bathroom. And prompt you on your cellular device “are you still shitting?” And recommend poo docters in your local area using target ads
So, if I let a guest shat on my toilet, I have to join and gave my fingerprint permission to flush their shit? Nice.
If an ad starts, the ultimate arkward silence will be better. “Oh look it’s an ad for Iron-meds, your shit looks like you need them.”
I wish I was kidding when I say there exist asshole recognition tech already. They’ll just attach that to your advertiser ID so their worldwide network of ‘smart toilets’ can deliver targeted ads to every stall and urinal you visit.
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The fuck
Only for a year or so. Then you’ll need premium+ to skip ads. The free tier is also downgraded to 1 flush per day.
At first I thought that this would be a great opportunity to pit the water companies who own water meters against the smart-toilet companies who accidentally reduce water usage, eating into water company profits, but then I realised that that battle would inevitably result in them working together to make smart toilets that full flush every 30 minutes unless expressly told not to.
Worse: the company decides to cancel the service and no longer support these toilets. You have to purchase a new toilet to continue service.
But the existing mounting hardware is proprietary, so in addition to a new toilet, you also need to replace half your plumbing.
I have the own where I give the app camera access and take a picture of my poop and it calculates the proper flush volume.
And you just know they’re sending copies of all your poop data to China, too, for some reason. Probably something to do with “improving targeted advertising,” but we know better.