No! NO! That’s not fucking true you take that back! That can’t be true oh fuck. No!

I need my fans in order to sleep. Their worship is what sets my mind at ease. If I am not lulled into slumber by their jubilant adorations I will wake with a great and terrible vengeance to wreak havoc upon this ungrateful earth

No you missed the part where I succeed and hate myself anyway

Some say that the universe only exists insofar as it is perceived. This is true, but we are not the observers. All of the world is a grand eye and that eye is spread across itself again and again. We are all but figments in the eye of the world, floaters thinking themselves eyes and seeing nothing. This is all to say that the elf on the shelf is REAL and this image PROVES IT!

Tuesday. Jumping rope is good for cardio.

I tried and found a cheat code! It turns out that if you pass out during the draw and then pass out again while recovering they’ll call and pay for a cab to take you home! They did imply that I shouldn’t come back for a while though…

On a more serious note I had donated blood twice before that with less dramatic results. I like helping people and they give me free snacks afterward. I’d been going every three months because I was in university and had a lot of time for such things. I seem to feel quite tired for the rest of the day following a donation, which I found nice and relaxing. Needle anxiety (and my weak-ass hemoglobin level) aside, it was a positive experience and I’d recommend it!

My pastor said of eugenics that “this is where ideas like evolution lead”. He was trying to “prove” the existence of his god as a sunday message. He’d tried to lay it out as a proof, but all of his points were either tangential (like this one, even if you assume it to be sound) or fallacious.

It was the most wild argument I’ve heard because this wasn’t something he’d just thought of in the moment. He’d prepared a script for this. Someone, presumably, had proofread that script. This, combined with all of the other failed attempts at proof present in the message, was what broke what remained of my faith. So now I can say that I was decoverted by my own pastor, which is wild too!

Skill issue

Width. Most shoes are too narrow and pointy

My computer is old and slow so loading teams is like elder abuse

Carrots. Plain carrots. It helps that I’m too lazy to get anything to dip them in. They are just so convenient.

A group of humans need to pass through a doorway with two doors. The leading human opens one of the doors and passes through the doorway. The next human follows them through the open doorway, and so does the next, and the one after them. The humans bunch up around the one open door, funneling themselves through it rather than opening the other door right beside it.

Then I, the smartest and best of humans, make use of my divine and otherworldly gifts to open the other door that was right there the WHOLE TIME. Truly I am a gift upon the world. Someone should give me chocolates.

More fibre pleases the colon gods and makes my poops more better. Also keeps me feeling full for longer.

I had a really nice washing machine. Then it broke. The manufacturer was dissolved 25 years ago.

I had a really nice cast iron pan. Then it fractured. Modern cast iron pans aren’t smooth.

I had a really nice car. Then a part broke. Replacement parts haven’t been available for 50 years.

I had a really nice flip phone. It was made by Nokia so it still works. People think it’s weird that I use a flip phone.

I had a really nice peace and quiet. Then someone invented ambulances. Now I cower in the corner of my bedroom hiding from manmade horrors beyond my comprehension.

The moon not being made of cheese. The moon is in fact made of cheese. I do not care how much a bunch of nerds insist that it is not made of cheese. I am objectively correct about this and anyone who disagrees is wrong.