Isn’t this a straight “eye-for-an-eye” revenge killing?

The individual electron just behaves randomly in a way that we can only predict statistically and not absolutely.

That’s the non-boring part, for lack of a better expression. Quantum Mechanics only predicts the outcome for an ensemble, and that imperfectly. It can say nothing at all about the outcome for a single particle.

but this is just purely metaphysical.

But there really is an interference pattern. Whatever is happening is physical, not metaphysical, and is happening “through” or “because of” both slits at the same time.

Unless you’re trying to argue that the statistical behavior of electrons is somehow decoupled from the behavior or each individual electron, which would seem to me to be a very odd metaphysical position.

You’re wrong, it’s definitely going through both slits at the same time, but it’s not an electron at that time.