Since I feel safe assuming you’re in the Midwest lol…looks like you’ve got yourself a Cooper’s Hawk, likely. They look like red tailed hawks from the front but a little bit smaller, but the big clue that says Cooper’s is the stripey tail feathers. Three well-defined stripes, to be exact, with a white edge at the very tip of the tail.

you are now manually breathing

I like ‘bob’s your oyster’ because both original phrases are nonsensical to me. Is there a word isometric to portmanteau but for phrases / idioms?

You can afford to send out more shoots than a seraphim has eyes when you were born from the ground gently swaddled in a metric fuckton of starch you generational wealth inheriting bastard.

You really have a way with words 😂