I love my bidet. Since the bidet came into my life I feel unclean after using a non-bidet toilet, even after using wet wipes. Imagine never having monkey-butt (an itchy asshole}. No more skid marks either.

Others have described the normal use of a bidet. I’m here to tell you about advanced bidet techniques. The first is learning the mini enema. You need a bidet with a water jet nozzle. Position yourself so the jet hits the bullseye. Slowly raise the water pressure until it starts filling your rectum with water. This is the hard part - relax. Your initial response will be to clinch shut the ol’ brown eye. When full, turn off the water and let loose in the bowl. Repeat as needed. This cleanses the rectum and prevents those times when you feel like there’s still some poop up inside that won’t come out (because there is). It also prevents anal leakage that produces butt butter.

Once you’ve mastered the mini enema, you can use the technique to battle constipation. Squirt some water in that stuffed up bunghole, fill up, hold it in, stand up, then sit down and enjoy the relief.

It also provides immediate relief from a burning irritated bowel caused by eating Atomic Hot Wings from Wingstop.

Finally, the feminine wash setting is not just for women! After a sweaty workout where you don’t have time for a proper shower, use it to wash your balls. That prevents itchy balls and the embarrassment of being caught scratching them.