Nobody tells me what I’m going to do or where I will be going and when that happens
I am open to invitations or requests or suggestions where my involvement is desired or ostensibly necesary for somone else. But I will never respond to this as a statement of fact or in the form of a threat
If you are a giving person, you have to put a limit on how much you can give. Takers have no limit.
I have to remember to look out for myself because even though I’m trying to look out for a lot of people I care about, no one is looking out for me.
Can you share an anecdote about a recent triggering situation wherw you identified this at play?
Nobody tells me how to format my comments.
if someone tries to make me format my comments in a specific way, I’ll refuse to comply and sometimes go against that format
- just to spite them.
You’re a monster but honestly I respect it.
I have my own things and resources that are mine and guaranteed so nothing can be taken away or held over my head as leverage to do things contrary to my boundaries and/or authenticity
I setup my life to ensurethat I did whatever it took to secure my own housing, job, benefits, friends, hobbies, and ways of doing things and that nobody could externally hold those key elements or anything else I needed over my head and take anything away.
I refuse to rely on anybody in a way where that can be leveraged to compel me to act in ways inconsistent with what I need+want and allow that to play out repeatedly on a chronic basis and that ever allow for the possibillity where I lose access to that which I need at the caprices of another person or entity
A fairly pragmatic one:
People are not entitled to my attention 100% of the time. I am not obligated to respond to your message right away or pick up the phone for an unscheduled call.
This was a challenging one for my relationship with my wife, as she operates differently. We’ve worked hard to establish reasonable expectations.
Nice, yeah, I enjoy the hell out of asynchrous communication, particularly where its heavy stuff. Nobody should be time-pressured to make a response to things without having time to digest the words and arrive at a respectful, proper response.
Just in general, people should respond when they are ready to respond, but also, its a useful exercise to be able to shoot a text (regardless of content) and forget about it and just ask the person to being you up to speed if the context fades from you.
Also, if you have enjoyable conversations (persuant to my other boundary about not repeating experiences with negative people), people will often naturally want to engage with you but it cannot be forced and any pressure you apply will likely blow up in your face
If I generally come away feeling worse and not respected after we interface, there almost certainly won’t be another encounter to the greatest extent I am able to openly and assertively prevent (not passive-agressively avoid or evade) further interaction.
I am not afraid to do justice to both of us and to have justice openly seen to be done, regardless of the implications for either of us.
No one gets to try to tell me how I should feel about something.
No one gets to try to shame/guilt me about what I believe.
No one gets to take my self-advocacy, as I am my only advocate.
My most enforced boundary is likely “if I clearly told you «no», do not insist”. Insisting further won’t just piss me off, but also decrease the likelihood that you’ll get what you’re asking for.
I do not let customers curse at me on the phone. I’m not a prude, fucking curse words don’t offend me, but I shouldn’t have to listen to it when someone is complaining or ranting. I speak to customers about difficult situations and have to give them answers they don’t always want to hear, and I offer to share all of the knowledge I have and I offer all of the empathy I have. If they are pissed, I empathize and remember they are a real person with real feelings. If they are sad, I tell them I’m sorry that they in this position. But if they use a curse word, I politely tell them if they are going to curse I’m going to end the call. Doesn’t matter how mild or offensive the word is…it’s not about the word.
Lately, when they start towards personal attacks even without cursing I pivot the conversation in a similar manner. “Well, I don’t know how you have a job if you just sit there and ______ all day.” When you get to that point it’s become evident they don’t want help or explaining or even your sympathy, sometimes they just want to feel better by being hurtful to you personally. If we’ve already discussed all of the facts, I’ll simply say well this is no longer a productive conversation and state the action I’ll be taking after ending the call (sending a letter or whatever) and move toward ending it.
I try to be very patient if they are having feelings and frustrations that are valid. Very patient. But I’m not a punching bag. I don’t get paid for that. Goodbye.
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Take your time
is amazing when delivered sincerely and in a genuine sense of creating space and latitude, on both sides (customer and representative), I’ve found
- do not touch me;
- I either do something I want to do or I don’t;
Its kinda funny, my first one is super personal and what I arrived at but this thread kinda resembles or the responses remind me of an interview with Alannis Morisette where she has like 4 rules.
Gaslighting is deadly and I vigorously/instantly shut it down whenever I perceive or sense it. It is emotional rape, pure and simple, and the REDDEST of flags 🚩🥀
Its been interesting engaging with people I know now that everyone is aware we don’t mix factual and feelings-based conversations.
Much nicer when we know what’s debatable or negotiable and what is off-limits.
With youtube, it’s “Don’t force TF2 and other nazi shit into my feed” Needless to say they push that boundary alot.
Team Fortress 2 is nazi shit?
Yeah the alt right operated there during Trumps presidency and there’s a ton of outright neo-nazi communities. You’d be bullshitting if you said you didn’t run into at least one of their propagandists while you were in a public server.
I haven’t played in (quite) a while. I think I can summarize with “uuuuurgh”
Yeah I was considering checking it out because I heard there was a new update and before I even got to that step I was like “nah it got worse” which sucks because I used to really enjoy playing that game back when it was mostly people just screwing around and having fun. Maybe it was always that bad because I was a stupid kid (and now I am a stupid adult) but either way it’s absolutely radioactive there today.
If its my turn to ask a question, and the other actively chooses to not answer that question, have had plenty of time and opportunity to do so, and they don’t articulate why they are unable to answer, I respectfully decline to continue engaging on the topic and with that person. There’s either something intentional or unintentional happening, both of which indicates its not safe.
If they have a good-faith concern relevant to the matter and they put it at the end (after they have answered that which was solicited) I am often more than happy and open to engage and continue in that vein of discussion
Once another person and I have resolved or gained closure on a matter, or at least attempted as much, I refuse to rehear or rehash the case for any purpose whatsoever except for positive and enjoyable purposes like nostalgia or gentle + affectionate teasing (where consent is mutually preestablished)
We’re both able to hopefully learn from it to be more successful, but I will not allow it to be thrown in my face and I will do my utmost to comport with that myself, while maintaining grace for each other to constructively remind each other about it should it arise again in a different context
Final sale! No refunds or store credit :)
I do not respond or enagage with shouting and implied threats of violence or loss of resources or any guilt/shame-based appeals
This one is super easy one. I don’t listen to anyone rant and rave (I consider it fantasizing) about why my doom and downfall is imminent and often the inevitable “Sir Story” about how Imma come up to them with hat in hand and tears in eyes to beg for their help or forgiveness.
Not surprisingly, these gloom+doom predictions have never played out cuz they’re always manipulative fantasy bullshit but its important to me that I make a point about not being receptive or permissive towards it
Its helpful for me to let them know I’ll touch base at the tail-end of the timeframe they speculated on (the longer the better heh) and we can see how things played out relative to their fantasy scenario (only if I choose to try again at the end)
What does “Sir story” mean?
What do you mean about fantasizing and downfall?
What do you mean by leave and lock up when they’re done?
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A lot of these threads confuse me… But I’m easily confused so…
I’m also horrible with friendships and relationships.
My post probably won’t make sense and seem like a jumbled mess of different thoughts.
What I consider “real” people are really unique and that’s what makes them “real” imo. It’s hard to be different and that causes a lot of emotion due to having different perceptions and views. I try to put the uniqueness above differences with people because the world’s a wild place. I see soulful uniqueness as something that binds a foundation. …like ideally…differences shouldn’t mean anything because when we get to our essence we are all bound by soulfulness? Same for interests. People can be different but connect through artful outlets and still maintain peace by not acting on their differences or bringing them to attention. But the way the world works fucks all that up too (money and stuff).
Communication and how things are communicated make a difference in the responses people give. The problem is emotion gets in the way and that’s when people react or find the need for boundaries.
I’ve cut people out of my life before, sometimes even for basic shit. I’ve caused fights and made up right after and ended up with a stronger relationship. I understand when people want boundaries although I’m learning in some situations those boundaries can be held back or unattainable by lack of money and neurodivergence. I respect people’s need/want for distance but that is different than being able to pick up and go.
Perception is huge. Everyone reacts badly at times. But that doesn’t mean everything they do is meant to cause harm or ill intent. I used to work in a pretty dramatic work environment with a lot of he said she said stuff going on. My boss would always tell people to put reality over perception. Basically mindfulness… This is a great tool in life. Its something a person needs to practice and build over time, basically for their entire life. But there’s an issue here as well since we essentially live in chaos. Cultures, religion, and lifestyles are all different and humans are basically programmed to manifest the world as they perceive it. This is essentially what mindfulness tries to overcome. Survival instinct is similar. How does a person shut off their survival instinct when there’s a threat or in some cases suicide. It’s instinct to not be able to take yourself out. This is why suicidal people often practice until they are able to overcome it. When a person has a misperception of reality and believe there’s a threat that essentially isn’t there then the only way to not react is to practice mindfulness?
It’s all so sensitive because it all really is chaos. Say you unintentionally piss off someone that knows war. How can a person stop a product of war from reacting? PTSD is wild. This is where a person ideally should take a step back and see a larger picture. Look at their perceptions and reality etc. so… You have the warhead and the pisshead haha. The warheads protecting themselves from a threat. But now the pisshead is reacting to reaction of the warhead. How do the two make peace? They might even have similar life views and ideology but the animal instinct is still automatically and biologically in play. It’s a chain reaction and for people with understanding of life, who most likely know better in a theoretic sense, they both become victims of biology and instinct. …regardless if the issue started out as a mistake. …now I guess this is where boundaries come in. The two people are now stuck in a position where maybe they all see healing needs to take place. How can people heal when they are stuck in the shit though? How can they provide each other with distance and boundaries in a modern world that basically has everyone by the balls? What if these people are unique and see the world as it really is, the whole spectrum of humanity, and live in circumstances different that regular society? Maybe they know they need boundaries and distance but keeping an eye out is also part of their survival instinct. How does this situation change? Overseeing causes more misperception of actions, probably moreso than there is intent of harm. How do people overcome this?
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post anymore…
I often think of chaos and yin and yang. Visualize the yin yang. ☯️ You have the white and you have the solid. You have a small bit of solid in the white and a bit of white in the solid. The disagreement is the is that small bit in the opposite color. Now look at it. You might think that’s some disharmony… That speck is fucking things up? But then you see the other side and it’s the same deal. Now attention is zoomed in on that small misplaced spot. Wouldn’t it be better if one side was solid and one side was white? Right? That makes sense theoretically? So focus is now all on that speck. That speck needs to be moved to bring back harmony and that’s the focus now. You fight that, you put in work to make that change right? You keep trying. You get close. Keep trying… Next thing you know you’ve spent a few years trying to move that speck because it’s causing disharmony. Now you don’t even remember the other parts exist. It’s just you and that speck… Now let’s talk God/Chaos. God is the universe and it’s energies, everything in existence. You see things decay into chaos and regrow back to order… And you need to touch it… You don’t need to change anything for this to happen. That’s trust in faith right? That’s what religions are based on? Okay… So now back to the yin yang.
If a person is fighting to remove that speck isn’t that an example of lack of faith? If a person has faith in God then God put that speck there. Are there lessons that speck has? Is there something to learn from it. You fought to remove it for so long… But what about having faith that it’s there on purpose and put their by God.
Now zoom out. ☯️ Look again at the 4 parts. Solid, white, solid speck, white speck. The whole thing… It’s always going to be constant. The ying yang as a whole is God/Everything. By zooming in on one side or the other, or one speck or the other, a person gives up their faith and give up God. It’s natural thing that happens. The idea is to practice mindfulness so you can zoom out if you find yourself getting sucked in. So you can zoom out reconnect with the universe/God. It’s the yin yang as a whole that matters. It’s the people as a whole that matters. Its the world as a whole that matters.
…but yeah idk… Just some thoughts… Sorry if I come off as condescending. Also I didn’t re read this some even if people grasp the ideas it probably still won’t make sense, lol.
Boundary
Description of boundary, please consider this example so its easy to visually index the boundaries and help find where to jump in or look at for everyone
Sure. Just so long as you remember that everybody is free to just not participate in this thread if they aren’t in the mood to follow a particular formatting.
I respect that. I genuinely appreciate your engagement here in the way you have 😊 I do recognize the irony/paradox here but it can work
I’ll keep it around anyway and everyone’s free to marinate and chime in whenever they are able. Its a really important topic, as I’m learning more and more each day.
Throwing in random uncommon words doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look like a pretentious douche.
