My father, who convinced me (16 m) at the time to move in with him instead of my mother when they moved. All 3 of the other siblings stayed with my mother. He then kicked me out the week I turned 18, a week into my senior year. Since then he stays in touch only to speak with his grandchildren (now going on 4 kids). I have never been anything but opportunistic and positive in our interactions. Regardless he still acts like I am a burden to talk too. Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it. I’m the complete opposite with my own children and can’t comprehend how someone could treat their child like this. How do I cope? It eats at me. I will answer any questions in depth if it will help in understanding the situation.
Therapy
After reflecting from the comments, you are right. I need therapy, Thank you. I know that is easier said then done. As I work full time with kids. The comments help, so thank you to all giving me advice as I take it to heart.
Virtual therapy sessions are a big thing now. I’m sure there’s added benefit to in-person sessions, but if time and life are constraints, the option is there.
Good luck!
Well, yes it’s probably a good idea but it’s a pretty fucking lazy and unhelpful comment.
Random people on the internet giving them advice on something that should be handled by a therapist is what is unhelpful. Sometimes people need to be told in unambiguous terms that the situation they are in is above our paygrade.
You are under no obligation to answer the phone.
My mom kicked me out when I was 18 and I was homeless for 2 weeks. She took me back in when uni started.
This is one of the reasons I don’t speak to hear anymore. At all.
This year, she sent me texts demanding to see me on my birthday. I did not speak to her. At all.
I am now waiting for her to die and for one of my siblings to inform me. Apparently, my sister (who lives in another country, we don’t talk much) is also done with her and doesn’t talk to her at all. I guess our brother will let us know.
What I’m getting at is that you are under no obligation to cater to people who don’t want to tolerate you in the first place. If a guy you lived with for a while was an asshat and demanded to see your children, you’d think he was demented. But suddenly he nutted in your mother once and now it’s fine? Family means nothing on its own. Family means you have a default group of people you interact with, but it’s up to each individual to actually be friends and allies with their family members, and if someone isn’t being a good friend or a good ally, and even is actively antagonizing you, then why do you still feel like you owe them anything? What do you mean “finally getting to the point you should accept it”? Accept him into your life? Why?! What good will that ever do to you? Oh sure maybe you’ll get to think “well I made amends before he died” once he’s dead. Guess what, if you’ve never held a grudge against him like you seem to imply, then it’s actually not up to you to make amends. Don’t tolerate bullshit from people just because they happen to be related to you.
There are already a lot of good answers/opinions/experiences/etc. here and I don’t want to rehash all of that, but I will mention this:
If you’ve heard the expression, “blood is thicker than water,” you should know that the original unedited expression was actually, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Basically meaning that the friendships (covenants) you make in life are stronger bonds than the family you just happened to be born into.
You can’t choose your biological family, but you can choose your friends and (non-bio) family. Don’t let people drag you down just because they’re related to you. Cut the dead weight out of your life, regardless of relation, and live your best life. If your dad doesn’t care about you, then why should you exhaust any energy caring about him? He hasn’t earned your attention, nor the attention of his grandkids.
My wife came from a poor trailer trash family and felt obligated, as the only person who made something of herself, to attempt to support her grandparents (who raised her), mother, and 3 siblings. But it only led to greed, gluttony, and dishonesty. Eventually, she had to cut ties with most of them because they started to feel entitled in sharing her “wealth.”
We had to draw the line when one of her pregnant sisters was about to have her baby taken away by the state. (I believe it was her 4th one the state had taken from her at this point; she had been deemed an unfit parent, but kept pumping out kids regardless.) My wife’s family tried to guilt us into adopting the kid, just to keep him in the family. She finally put her foot down. Taking in illegitimate children from her family was just trapping her with the burden of her siblings (who were already trying to pawn off their kids to their grandmother). My wife cut ties and now only speaks to her siblings (and mother) if they call. But she makes zero effort to stay in touch otherwise, and she won’t give them anything except functional Christmas gifts - the one time of year she indirectly contacts them.
My wife had deep-seated anxiety for years, worrying about supporting her deadbeat family. Now she’s low-contact and made a rule not to support them financially. She’s living stress-free now and is in a much better place for it. Their lives are their own and she refuses to feel responsible for the horrible choices they’ve made.
You won’t get justice or change anything about how the guy acts so you have to make changes yourself that you can control. Let yourself be free of needing his approval and attention. You deserve respect at least as much as you’d expect from any other person, being family doesn’t absolve them of it. If he won’t be respectful, then stop calling him, let his calls go to voice mail, stop seeing him and fill your time with people who are respectful. You can’t change him but you don’t have to put up with it either.
I agree with this post. Move on and build your life your way.
I’d like to add, in case it’s helpful, from my own experience the thinking about it never ends. My dad passed 40 years ago and i still have the same thoughts, feelings, arguments even (a little more one-sided now that he’s gone, though). I mean the dynamic might last forever, but you can separate that emotional internal dynamic from how you live your life. And there’s a kind of “this stops here” effect, because your own children will never have to deal with all that stuff, because you dealt with it and moved on. That’s something to be proud of.
My advice is to stop trying to be pleasant in every interaction with him. That is fake and interacting with fake people is indeed exhausting.
Based only on what you wrote, my advice is to commit to developing authenticity rather than pleasantness.
The fact is you have reason to be upset with him. If you haven’t expressed that upset, you’re being fake.
I called my father a cunt last weekend cause he talks to me like disrespectful nutjob. I’m 34 and work for him. Never work with assholes. Especially family.
I’m too scared to have children cause they’ll end up like either him or myself.
Sorry have to go through that.
Ending the cycle. I’m with you on that.
As a father of 2 kids you need to know that you owe him nothing. Just because he is your parent doesn’t mean anything.
Instead of thinking of him as your father think of him as a friend. And would you keep a friend like that in your life. If possible go 100% non contact and don’t ever worry about him again.
It sounds like your situation is similar to mine. My father is a sociopathic narcissist and I didn’t realize it until I was 30 when he effectively disowned me. It hurts to be rejected by a parent to such a degree and I was pretty depressed for a while, but it helps to know that he suffers from a mental illness. Knowing this also helped me to disown him, in turn. He was always toxic and harmful and I find now that I am happier without him in my life.
I do often wonder in what ways my life may have been better had I had a supportive father, but it’s much more productive to look forward than to lament over what could have been.
I hope that you are able to move past your father’s negative influence and be better off for it. Some men are just miserable people.
first . the internet is the absolute last place you should be asking for advice on this. we don’t know you . we don’t have real world interactions with you, your kids, and your dad. so there is zero way we can answer this question.
second. seek out a professional therapist who can help you with this problem.
I don’t know what’s the right thing to do. But in your shoes I’d probably cut off contact with him.
Therapy will help a bit but it’ll keep eating at you. Perhaps distracting yourself when it comes to the past might help, it does for me a bit.
The problem is him, not you.
Just stop talking to him. Just because he donated DNA doesn’t mean anything if he treats you badly. No contact.
Sorry. It sucks.
I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but it’s OK to be annoyed, pissed, sad or whatever.
I don’t pretend to have a solution, merely that whatever you choose is fine.
I haven’t been through your exact situation but sometimes, some people just don’t deserve a place in your life.It’s easy to think you owe him your presence just because he’s family, but really, you don’t.
Neither do your kids.You’re not a burden. You deserve better.
Your dad sounds like a narcissist, you’re not obligated to keep them in your life with how they seem to make you feel.My answer for undesirable family members is to accept who they are and not see them. You may have a similar decision to make at some point.
